The Challenge of Being a Beautiful Person in the Summertime

This is the beginning of the high season for me and my friends, the beach days when all the time we spent in the depth of winter lifting heavy and eating lean finally pay off. Though it doesn’t come without its hardships.

First of all, there’s simply not enough time. From the rooftop pools to the private homes to the European fortnights, the fifteen weekends between Memorial and Labor mean that I unfortunately can’t accept every invite extended to me.

The other obvious challenge is the ubiquity of cocktails and charcuterie boards. If I have another Aperol spritz or prosciutto-mozzarella-tomato-basil mini skewer I think I’m going to turn into one or the other! You don’t need to take every martini just because it’s free.

Finally, it’s important to remember that while everyone is beautiful, there’s a real difference between inner and outer beauty. When you’re beautiful on the outside, people look. The work lies in redirecting that energy back to them. Yes, you have entered public space, and that is special. But there is nothing more special than making the uglies feel seen, too.

Luxury Apartment Prospectus

Introducing: The Median. The first-of-its-kind residence in the heart of mid-downtown, where breathtaking views and everyday amenities combine to redefine the potentiality of apartment living.

The lobby is enveloped with cost-effective metallic wallpaper that evokes the idea of luxury without any of the burdensome overhead. Our maintenance staff is always scheduled at half-time, minimizing disruption to residents and ensuring that public spaces throughout the building retain that lived-in feeling. And no dog or cat limits means that you are always bound to run into a slobbery friend.

Mid-downtown is the city’s newest oldest neighborhood: where factories that once produced the protective cover on safety pins are now home to the world’s most elite gyms, pet groomers, and oddly expensive espresso bars that are called such because they do not actually offer regular, drip coffee.

You work hard to live where you thrive. That’s exactly what we offer at The Median: a space to call your own, for a set term of 12 months, until you decide it’s really time to get it together.

Before I Share

“Before I share what I wrote, I just want to say that this is part of a larger book project that I’ve been working on. It’s not fully done yet, and I’m still working out many of the details. I know we only had twenty minutes in class today to write but I’ve been working on it for quite a while. I would say maybe even two years. It could be three, actually, if you count the first time I ever sat down and began to really think about it. But this feels like its own thing. Or at least the seed of another thing, which I'm hoping will take shape as I write more. The ending is still unknown, even to me, which I think is important because I want to surprise myself because that way I feel like I’ll also surprise the reader. I’m not in love with the last line, or my opener, but you’ll see that the middle has a certain structure to it, which I’m open to changing. I really want it to feel organic, like you’re my head, or this character’s head, rather. Sorry it’s a bit long. Anyway, here goes…”

The Living is Becoming Easier

Summertime is the best season by any measure. No school, less work, more travel, more sun, better food, happy people, sunscreen and swimming.

There’s an interesting tension in the United States around summer, a time when no one really wants to work (or if they do, certainly not hard) but yet we agree that the European custom of taking a true extended holiday is out of the question.

In my neighborhood I have noticed many French people on vacation. I know this because they’re in groups, carrying backpacks, and speaking French. They have been doing this since March: visiting New York.

Memorial Day Weekend is the only start to summer we can all agree on, and one that provides a small taste of America’s rarest luxury: time.

The Writing Life

Last night I went to a talk about how to get your book published. If I were one of the panelists, my advice would be:

1. Give away all your work for free on your personal website; don’t be tempted to sell to publications with large readerships

2. Keep the length short. Everything shorter.

3. Don’t tell too many people you’d like to write a book because then they may ask you how the book writing is going

4. Know that once your book is published, you will become very, very rich and also famous so enjoy middle-class anonymity while you can

5. Revision is for the weak; write everything once and never look back

Spring Commencement

Good morning, graduates. It is an honor to be here at Morningwood University, where I have learned that weed is not only legal, it’s mandatory.

As I sat down to write this speech, I realized didn’t have my favorite pen with me. And that got me thinking: What do we do when life doesn’t go the way we planned?

I know that in my life, it was a leap of faith when I took over my dad’s thriving business. Who was I to manage the global supply chain of plastics? But that’s when I realized something I’ve carried with me every day: Everything you’re meant for, you’re prepared for.

I hope my presence at this podium if proof that whatever your parents did, you can also do. And if you ever find yourself sitting at the head of that boardroom table, the seat still warm from your dad’s butt, remember this: You can always make a difference, no matter which pen is in front of you.

Assigned Seating

There should be a word for one’s instant feeling of allegiance to a seat after sitting down. Whether on a train, in a waiting room, at a restaurant, or on a park bench, making the choice of where to sit frees you up for everything else.

Meryl Streep said that life begins when you make a commitment. Or at least that’s what Anne Hathaway said she said during a recent The Devil Wears Prada 2 interview.

It takes a lot to move: a particularly disruptive neighbor, an unavoidable odor, a natural disaster. Baring such disturbances, we are all too happy to stay in place. Not because it’s special, but because we chose it first.

Work

Yesterday I did a good job at my job. Which made me think about the difference between jobs and work: jobs come and go, while work never leaves.

My dance professor introduced me to Corita Kent’s Ten Rules for Students and Teachers, which was posted on her office door. My favorite is, “The only rule is work.”

To keep taking care of yourself and your home, to keep getting dressed and figuring out your travel, to keep your stomach full and your body hydrated, to keep your mind and your heart open; these are the only rules.

It can be so satisfying when hard work for one’s profession pays off in day that goes well. It’s another thing altogether when one can look at the all ways they fill their days, see the trodden paths they carve, and continue on them with pride.

List of People With Whom to Not Publicly Feud

• The Pope

• Malala

• Dolly Parton

• Dalai Lama

• A baby

• Michelle Obama

• Leslie Jordan (RIP)

• Betty White (RIP)

• Mother-in-law

A Home

A year ago this weekend, my life began to fall apart. I realized this as I walked down the street one morning and started crying at the smell of spring in the air, realizing that it was this time last year, as the trees were beginning to bud, that my heart began to shrivel.

The year since has been the most challenging series of tribulations that I know so many have gone through, but would wish upon no one and never imagined for myself. It was an emotional, physical, financial, and spiritual gauntlet that at many times seemed unending and that I wanted to quit many times.

But life and time have mysterious ways of coming back. It doesn’t rain forever. It can take a long, long time. And things can be so, so bad. And the residue of trauma can linger forever. But there’s also a space inside you that you’ll learn how to access. There’s people who want to help you. There’s a way to get through one day and then the next one, and then one day, you may even feel happy.

The window I look out of when I write now is so much different from where I was before. It’s in my own place, in my own city, on my own terms.

It is, dare I say, a home.

Big Guy

I’m a big food guy. Big nature guy. Big running guy, big writing guy, big talking and big listening guy. Big reality television guy, big politics guy, big fancy candles guy and big Bud Light guy. Big coffee in the morning guy, big dancing guy, big deep conversation guy and big sleep guy. Big slippers guy and big shorts-with-a-sweatshirt guy. Big contemplative guy and big yearning guy. Big lover and big cryer. Huge.

A Message from the Leadership Team

Dear Company Corp. Family,

It has come to our attention that several staff members left the office yesterday at approximately 3:00pm because the weather was so nice. Many were heard making comments such as, “Let’s get out of this hellhole,” “To hell with this place,” and “These people can go to hell.”

Let us be clear. We understand that yesterday New York City saw its first unquestionably pleasant day so far this year. We also acknowledge our unwavering commitment to our board and shareholders to deliver value each and every day.

As such, any of those who left early are invited to stay until 7:00pm on Friday to make up for their hours lost. We believe our culture of trust and mutual respect is sufficient to serve as the only verification tool for such service.

Lastly, we are particularly concerned about the emphasis on “hell” in many of the sunbathers’ statements. If that is how any of our team members feel about this place, we invite them to consider taking a walk outside, and staying there.

Happy Spring,

The Leadership Team

P.S. - Many thanks to Operations for the new tulips in the flower beds.

March Gladness

It’s college basketball season, but who really cares? Gonzaga, Duke, UNC, all the other ancillary characters. Most people actually seem to be on vacation or making big moves or grinding through the doldrums of work or forecasting the year’s travel. Some days bring warm sun while others create yet higher snow piles. The world is in chaos and the local feels splintered. Mostly, it’s a time of the year when the here and now so easily becomes an afterthought.

A new candle, a new way to organize the desk. These are the small wins that feel big to me.

Important to Note

Someone reminded me this week that you shouldn’t shampoo your hair every time you take a shower, which got me thinking about all the things that are true but we don’t talk about because they don’t matter. Things like tomatoes being fruits, college stadiums being bigger than NFL stadiums, Diet Coke’s dubious relationship to cancer, and microplastics.

People in various states of malaise sometimes find themselves invigorated by these phenomena, compelled to impart their wisdom on otherwise happy people.

What these not-fun facts really reveal is the compulsions we all have to stay safe, in the know, and in control.

The Dallas Cowboys’ stadium seats 80,000 while Alabama’s seats 100,000, for example. You can take that one for free.

So Close

A nice guy asked me what interests me so much about endurance. Part of it is that so often endurance is not for something else, but a thing unto itself. To endure something is not necessarily to build, or produce, or achieve. It is to commit, to do, and to know that you can do it again.

Spring is so close, summer is so close. It will take endurance to get there, but the sun will soon be shining down more and more, illuminating all the life in the meanwhile.

The World is So Big

The pyramids and the sidewalks and the bus tops and the fields, the skies and the oceans and the deserts and the parks, the shops and the houses and the apartments and the theaters, the ticket windows and the breakfast nooks and the guest rooms and the pools, the innumerous places where you will happen, and oh, the places you’ll go.

Ways to Show Yourself You Care About Yourself

1. Buying something a personal finance expert would recommend against but you know it’s not going to break the bank and you work too hard to not have something you really want every now and then

2. Bathing with regularity and at an unhurried pace

3. Calling friends and asking how they’re doing and responding honestly when they ask you

4. Letting some days be Ls and others be Ws but still showing up for the next one

5. Picking things up and putting them where you want them

6. Lingering

7. Moving slowly

8. Laughing at, and with, yourself

With Love

“Alright girls, we really have to think of something different and special this year for the Valentine’s Day campaign. ‘Love the One You’re With’ was a flop last year and legal is still on my ass about the copyright case it got us into. Cindy, any ideas?” Rebecca asked.

“Well, we’ve been seeing a greater emphasis on expanding the definition of love that’s celebrated on Valentine’s Day, like family, friendship,community…so I was thinking, ‘Love Always, All Ways?’”

“Too woke. Amy?”

“Everyone is talking about Gen Z having less sex because they’re on their phones so much, so maybe something edgy like, ‘Get Off Your Phone and Get Off this Valentine’s Day?’”

“That’s better but still too tonally similar to the ‘Lady in the Streets’ collaboration we did with Brooklinen in 2018. Gertrude?”

“How about, ‘Would it Kill You to Do the F*cking Dishes Without My Asking?! Maybe Then I’ll Finally Stop Withholding Intimacy This Valentine’s Day!’”

“That’s it!”

Generative

Staring at a blank page and writing a terrible first draft is important. To think critically is to wade through the sludge, to sift and revise and refine.

Writing is chipping away at a block of marble until it resembles a person, or anything, or something.

Editing text generated by a software is wiping off a white cereal bowl made for you thousands of miles away, a bowl like countless others, one that, if it broke, would make you feel nothing.

Cutting Corners

The sidewalks are all shoveled, but the corners are all variant piles of snow and slush and mud.

No one owns the corners, the periods of transition and change.

In the messy middle, each of us must find our own imperfect footing.