Deadlines

Few things have actual deadlines. That’s why flights and taxes cause such common ire. It’s so troublesome to corral human behavior into slots of time, so much so that we have created many escape routes. Excuses, extensions, the simple act of forgiveness, such things are the soft padding we bounce between on our way to actually completing the thing.

Self-imposed deadlines are unique in that they offer the potential for self-realization, though such an achievement is rare. The only thing worse is a deadline one hopes others will observe. There are few endeavors so fraught as the providing of a reasonable timeline. People will generally either do things now, because they want to, or never, because they don’t.

The best things in life, of course, have no deadlines: love, joy, laughter, the satisfaction of a job well done or time well spent. Those have no beginning, no end, only in between.

Elements of a Good Hotel

1. Silence in private areas.

2. Faint music in public areas.

3. Professional, warm, and brief interactions with employees.

4. Immediacy.

5. Free hot breakfast.

6. Posted signs.

7. Smooth elevators with soft dinging sounds.

8. Pool.

9. Generous pool hours.

10. Pool towels that are full size and clearly available.

11. No one else in the pool.

12. Various foldings of things.

13. Bible in the nightstand.

14. Constant gentle air conditioning.

15. A physical TV channel guide.

16. A clean, empty gym.

17. Real drinking glasses.

18. Good cell service.

19. Impeccable internet connection.

20. A general sense that hey, this isn’t a place that’d be sustainable for more than a few nights, not because it’s bad but because it’s so sanitized and sequestered from the realities of domestic life that after the third day all you really want are the normal smells and sounds of the things you know. But once you get back to those things they’ll likely become all too familiar and you’ll start fantasizing about this place precisely because it’s so sanitized and sequestered, just enough to keep you coming back, and just enough to keep you leaving.

Commencement Speech

Greetings graduates, families, loved ones, faculty, staff, current students, prospective students, my loving wife Emily, our three precious children Braylee, Ashlee, and Brawnwyn, and their loyal grandparents, Don and Linda.

When I was asked back in February to do this speech, I was sitting at my writing desk. However, I was not able to bring myself to actually put pen to paper until this morning. I suppose it was just because I couldn’t get past this one question I kept asking myself:

“What words of wisdom could I possibly impart on this year’s graduates?”

And that’s precisely what I want to emphasize to you today. Don’t start until you’re ready. Grapple with those big questions. Thank the people who mean the most to you. Never stop thinking, never stop learning, never stop trying.

I could have started writing this speech way back in February, but I doubt these words would resonate as deeply as I know they did with me this morning. I can tell they do for you, too.

Congratulations Class of 2024!

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Commemorative Speech

Glasses clink, a microphone is adjusted, and tables fall quiet.

“Good evening, everyone. My name is John Rockefeller and I am the great-great grandson of the great John Rockefeller. It is my distinct pleasure to speak on behalf of the Board of Trustees tonight regarding the many successes of the Everyone Foundation.

As the Foundation’s successes are less about me and more about well, everyone, such a task was challenging to wrap my brain around. Such is why I decided to think of it like this: how is the Everyone Foundation like me, John Rockefeller?

1. Mission. Everyone who works for the Everyone Foundation and John Rockefeller is solely dedicated to the mission. Whether it’s feeding the hungry or ensuring my plane arrives on time, the team here and the team I have at home are laser focused on delivering results for everyone and for me.

2. Branding. Everyone means everyone, and John Rockefeller means John Rockefeller. Who we serve is who we are, and who we are is each other, and I am me.

3. Connections. I am connected to everyone in this room, and you are all connected to me. We are all, ‘everyone,’ just as I am me.”

John pauses and his eyes well with tears. Attendees dare not shift in their chairs.

“And finally…Donna. This whole organization is in love with you, Donna.” John wipes his nose. “And I am, too. Ever since you asked me to be on the Board it’s been like meeting the mother I never had and the woman I’ve always wanted. The last thing you would expect at your going away gala is to be proposed to, which is exactly why I am doing it here tonight. Donna, will make me the happiest ever John Rockefeller?”

Busy with Bubble Tea

Last night I attended an end-of-semester dance concert at the university. I settled in amongst the crowd of mostly undergraduates just as the clocked turned to 8:00pm.

When the house lights went up for a pause between pieces about 20 minutes into the program, a young student trepidatiously entered the theater and meandered down the aisle stairs. Her tardiness took little tool on her leisurely quest to identify a suitable seat for herself as she shuffled past peers to settle hesitantly in the center.

When house lights came on after the following piece, she was soon on her feet again taking a confused survey of the space. She quickly dashed to the lobby to grab a program, presumably to use as proof of attendance for her dance elective class, and meandered back to her spot.

After the last performance, she took the perfunctory final round of applause as a mere suggestion and immediately exited. And that’s when I saw it: a to-go bag of bubble tea in her grasp.

I followed her swiftly, eager to get home myself and curious of what world crisis she was leaving to solve. By the time I was outside she was already across the street, headed towards the academic building under which I had parked.

“Ah, study group,” I concluded as she approached its front doors.

No.

She had parked in the same underground lot as me but happened to miss the pedestrian entrance to it twice. We left the garage at the same time.

As she pulled out and ran a red light, I attempted to assemble the puzzle. Was she late to another function that began promptly at 9:30pm? How can one can sit through an hour of dance but not spare an extra minute? Who makes themselves late because of bubble tea? Why not leave it in the car? Who forced this person into this situation and what is the source of their insatiable desire to escape?

The dances were compelling at times, but little compared to this psychodrama for which I will never have an explanation, nor ending.

Spring Event

Hi Friends,

It’s springtime, and you know what that means: the Annual Spring Event!

We here at Human Excellence Central Knowledge (HECK) Seekers are excited to celebrate the culmination of our current cohort of Wayfinders’ Association of Central Knowledge Seekers (WACKS) who will be presented with awards ranging from Most Original Project (MOP) to Highest Overall Group Score (HOGS).

The event will include a cash bar, cash menu, tip jar and raffle prizes.

Please note absolutely no flash photography will be allowed!

We know you understand the value HECK Seekers bring to the community, and the rare, special, and unique opportunity this event presents to bring us all together in fellowship. The mission of our organization touches tens of folks around the globe every few years, and this one is no exception.

As April is such a slow month with so little else going on, we thought it’d be great to offer this event on a Saturday at 4pm. We hope you will join us!

Note there is no parking available, but we encourage you to carpool to nearby locations and make your way here in your own time. The program will start at 6:30pm!

Sincerely,

Marie Amber Bettlethwarp (MAB)

HECK Seekers President and former WACKS MOP/HOGS Awards Winner (HECKSPAFWACKSMOP/HOGSAW)

Blog vs. Essay

This may count as a blog but I consider it an essay. Blogs have the potential to be wildly popular while an essay is not burdened with such potential. An “essay” evokes an assignment toiled over at the last minute with the hopes of meeting requirements. A “blog” suggests fun. An “essay” is a composition of thought. A “blog” is a train of one. An “essay” is read by a few select intellectuals. A “blog” is skimmed.

Writing a book of essays is a familiar daydream of mine, though it’s hard to imagine the compounding disinterest of both books and essays in the current attention economy. But the form of the essay is too capacious, too boundless, too considered, for me to consider anything else.

Lock In

If the email distribution list for my weekly essays was a room, it would be pink and fuzzy and fun but locked with no convenient way out. I imagine I’d be standing at the door with doe eyes that would discourage anyone from muttering, “Hey, Dan, reading your weekly blog is fun and all, but let’s just say I’d rather check it on my own time instead of getting an email from you every Friday morning for the past six years and indefinitely into the future.”

It’s long been my aspiration to add an “Unsubscribe” feature, to provide the discreet key with which one may exit this room with dignity, though such an item continues to plummet in the rankings of my ever growing list of tedious and more immediate tasks such as cleaning my refrigerator door shelves or gazing around at the room I’m in.

I do hope my miniature literary quips act as light refreshments in the corner of your Inbox. I aim for the quality of store-brand cola and Ritz crackers; not quite something you would choose over and over for yourself, but better than nothing.

From Anywhere

With new Life iOS Update 2.0 you can now:

Ponder the meaning of life from anywhere!

Remember that one time in fifth grade from anywhere!

Think about calling that person but not do it from anywhere!

Talk to yourself silently from anywhere!

Consider working out but tidying instead from anywhere!

Weigh a new option but decide on the one you already know from anywhere!

Suggest a course of action but not follow through from anywhere!

Do something, anything, from anywhere!

Busy But Not In An Interesting Way

Hearing about the busyness of someone else is never interesting, as the busy person often presumes or hopes the listener will express either concern or admiration, neither of which is a likely product.

A busy person may be one who has trouble prioritizing or simply procrastinates. Or perhaps they lack proper staff to handle their affairs. I, for example, suspect the president is a “busy” person, but would never gripe about such given the administrative apparatus at his disposal. Oppositely, how could someone like me (for example) ever claim “busyness” with such a narrower purview of responsibility?

And yet here I am, resisting the urge to do just that. Of course, if I were truly busy, I wouldn’t be writing things like this. I’m always free for this.

SpACE /BAR

/ / / / /My /keyboard /is /officially /broken. /Whenever /I /typE /A /SPace /it /adds /a /slash /anD /THE /CAPs /Lock /activates /irregularly /as /I /go. /I /could /go /through and /edit /each /line /as /good /writers /do, /but /everyone /knows /that /the /best /writers /are /those /who /blur /the /lines /between /content /and /form.

Most /prESSING /TO /ME /IS /FIGURING /OUT /WHAT /ACTUALLY /ACTIVATES /THE /CAPs /Lock. /There /must /be /a /pARTICULAR /LETTER /OR /KEY /STROKE /THAT /INITIATES /SUCH /AN /ERRATIC /RESPonse.

I /supPose /life /is /this /way, /isn’t it? No matter what correct inputs you provide, the output is always contingent. I adjusted the computer and suddenly now all seems solved. I adjusted it again and it still seems to be working. Maybe that was all a blip meant to call my attention to the irregularity of life; or perhaps just a reminder of regularity’s sweetness.

New Walls

Home is where the heart of the matter of fact of life happens when you least expect it.

Sunny Side Up

This week I spent one night at a very mid-level hotel. Another guest by the elevator said, “Have you ever stayed here before?”

“No.”

“This place is awesome. I love it here,” he exclaimed.

And that is the energy to which I aspire.

Wednesday Kind of Love

If any of you are like me then many of you are out there wondering…how do I tell my partner that I want something for Valentine’s Day without actually asking for it?

Let me be the first to tell you that you should absolutely not have to tell your partner what they should do for you. They know you! They (supposedly) love you! That, above all else, means that they should know exactly what makes your heart sing.

But let’s say they might get it wrong. Maybe they’ve even got it wrong in the past. This does not mean they do not love you. It does mean that you might have to go above and beyond by dropping subtle hints that could steer them in the direction of your desires.

For example, let’s say you’re watching television together and a fast food commercial comes on featuring chocolate, strawberry, and vanilla milkshakes. “Oh, those look good,” will help remind your partner that you love chocolate and alert them that they should purchase you a large, heart-shaped box of chocolates.

Let’s say you’re on a walk together and you notice dog tracks in the snow. “Looks like a furry friend was here,” you might mutter. This will indicate that they should purchase a stuffed bear.

Let’s say you’re at the grocery store and pass by the flowers. Think really, really hard about how bad you want one specific bouquet. Your partner should know to purchase that one.

I know this can be a stressful time but hopefully these tips will help you remember: the best relationships are those that require no communication at all.

Love and light to you and yours.

Limericks

There once was a girl from Manhattan

Who wore a pink dress made of satin

She walked down the street

Looked for something to eat

And settled on potatoes au gratin

A man drove a Chevy Impala

And loved chicken tikka masala

That was his whole life

He did not have a wife

We must save endangered koala

They were not sure from where it was coming

Out of fear both of them started running

One looked at the other

Then screamed out, “Oh, brother!”

Turns out there was nothing to worry about

Addendum

Pursuant to the interested parties (PARTIES) and organizing firm (FIRM) as broadly defined for purposes of this agreement shall hereby establish in trust a mutuality of understanding of the responsibilities therein by PARTIES and FIRM to establish ownership rights for the heretofore agreed upon statement binding the prevention of all individuals, corporations, or government entities from delaying nor detracting in any form from the primary aims of the contract as understood and agreed upon between PARTIES and FIRM given reasonable notice provided within seven (7) business days from receipt of initial disclosure which may not in any jurisdiction bind such agreements by law until fully executed amendments to any previous agreements be filed in accordance with local regulations which may or may not include requirements to terminate previous terms on the basis of unlawful conduct or default either by the date of this signing or no less than three (3) business days prior, whichever is earliest.

Sign:

Initial:

Cocktail Menu

1. Sinner’s Win

   • Aperol, gin, bitters, soda water, mint, lemon, coriander

2. Porch Light

   • Yellow tequila, cedar, orange zest, crème fraîche

3. Adirondack Stair

   • Hibiscus vodka, elderberry, warm water, ice

4. Pimento Gregorian

   • Gin, wildflower pollen, spring water, lemon

5. Ice Tap

   • Vodka, gin, white tequila, smashed blueberry, fig, basil

6. Formidable Tide

   • Bourbon, chipotle bitters, simple syrup, lime peel

7. Angular Sidetrack

   • Everclear, water

8. Alimony

   • Coffee liquor, espresso, coffee, espresso bean

9. Run Forrest

   • Whisky, ginger ale, dirt, pine needle

10. Beer Tab

    1. Can of Bud Light

All $18

If Carrie Bradshaw Lived in Madison, WI

*Sex in the Small-to-Midsize City*

Madison, Wisconsin. The locals call it Madtown. I call it Sadtown. How many craft beers does it take to land a decent man?

They say women come here for two reasons: dudes and degrees. But what if the requirements for the former were as stringent as the latter? If relationships are Pass/Fail, who does the grading?

There’s nothing quite like the lapping lakes and buzzing of ideas that could change the world. But what if you can’t even get a guy who changes his underwear?

In the final exam of life, what are the basic requirements?

I couldn’t help but wonder..was I at the bottom of my class? Or on top of the world?

Day in the Life of a 2024 Republican Presidential Candidate

6:00 AM: Wake up in Best Western outside Cedar Rapids

6:15 AM: Workout w/ Rob (Security)

7:00 AM: Shower

7:30 AM: Hair and makeup, review agenda for day

7:58 AM: Deep breath

8:00 AM: Interrupt retirees’ regular Thursday morning breakfast dates @ JimBob’s House of Pancakes

9:00 AM: Interrupt retirees’ regular Thursday morning breakfast dates @ Barbara’s Breakfast Buffet

10:00 AM: Read aloud Founding Fathers book @ children’s library; emphasize lack of drag queens at event

11:00 AM: Stump speech @ American Legion

12:00 PM: Lunch @ Chic-fil-A w/ Mayor

1:17 PM: Look out window of SUV and think, “Wow, I’m really doing this.”

2:00 PM: Stump speech @ pseudo-outdoor warehouse-type place; wear brown jacket

3:12 PM: Meet little girl in crowd and feel momentary burst of altruism

4:00 PM: Answer texts from spouse, respond “ok” or “no” to staff emails, read new headline re: Trump legal developments

4:28 PM: Deep breath

4:30 PM: Stump speech @ brewery re: small businesses

5:30 PM: Dinner w/ donors @ private home

7:48 PM: Look out window of SUV and remember high school bully who seeded your self-doubt but look at you now

8:30 PM: Check in at Marriott in Des Moines, review New Hampshire schedule

9:00 PM: Watch Fox News host emphasize the inconsequentiality of your candidacy

9:24 PM: Doom scroll

10:36 PM: Fall asleep