Take Me Out

The great thing about learning sports as a kid is that no one really expects you to do well. Sure, every parent hopes their child will pick up the fundamentals, but the general thesis is that teamwork and camaraderie are the real prizes to be won.

I stopped playing baseball as soon as the kids start pitching. Topsham Recreation Department started us off with tee ball; moved us up to coaches pitching; and, at far too young a threshold, gave the rock solid ball to children from the other team to hurl at us innocents.

That season, I did not hit the ball once. I only either struck out or took a walk. Thank God I was never actually hit by the ball, or if I was, that it didn’t traumatize me beyond repair. Though seeing Will Bouchard on the pitchers mound gearing up to throw something at you never quite leaves your mind.

I never imagined what would have happened if I stuck with baseball. Discovering new friends was unlikely, seeing as such a phenomenon was generally correlated with athletic prowess. I could have met another queer kid or aspiring writer, perhaps. But such a friend could only be found sulking in the corner of the dugout, an uninspiring if poetic scene.

I think I would have learned how to live with the fear. The kids would have become better at pitching, and statistically, at some point, I would have hit the ball.

But instead, I fled to running. No flying object. None but me.

Taking Up Time

Monday’s first all-female 11-minute celebrity cruise to outer space was the most captivatingly egregious event in recent history.

The six women were certainly making a statement, though the phallic rocket in which they laid only underscored the insidious irony of which they were embarrassingly unaware.

Amidst their selfies and singing, they claimed to be collecting data to bring back for the benefit of us all. If there is any insight to actually glean from this glorified infomercial, it is that we all only have so much time. During it, perhaps the best thing we could do for Earth is learn how to stay down to it.

Oxymorons That Don’t Actually Mean Anything

International Community

Corporate Citizen

Ethical Investing

Calculated Risk

Everyday Person

Real People

A Letter to Our Investors

April 4, 2025

Dear Investors,

You are surely aware that yesterday we saw the largest single-day stock market drop in five years. We here at ManFinCo are always thinking about how to assure you, our customers, that your investments are sound, particularly during what may sometimes seem to feel like somehow a somewhat unpredictable environment.

Firstly, we should emphasize that the stock market is not the economy. While the economy is about how real people experience money, the stock market is about you. While we all know the economy generally gets worse over time, we also know the stock market generally improves. We see yesterday as only a temporary wrinkle in that larger, long-term picture.

Still, world events and geopolitics are real factors with which we must contend. Rest assured that several members of our senior leadership team are working closely with administration officials at the highest level. We retain full confidence in the diligence and expertise of those selfless public servants.

Finally, a word about money. What is it, really? Have you ever see it in large quantities anywhere other than on a computer screen, or perhaps in a cash register? When we have less, we tend to value what we have even more. In that sense, we here at ManFinCo have never felt richer.

With gratitude,

Ted Manfinius

CEO & Chair, ManFinCo

Emojis

Texts to which it’s appropriate to reply, “ 👊🇺🇸🔥”

• “Landed at JFK!"

• “Got my tax return”

• “Voted today”

• “Bought a Ford F-150”

• “Punched a wall, ate at McDonalds, and feeling really good about myself today”

Texts to which it’s not appropriate to reply, “ 👊🇺🇸🔥”

• Anything in an unsecured group chat coordinating a military operation titled, “Houthi PC small group”

See You Then

To plan is to wish.

That people generally arrive at the place and time they intend is something of a small miracle.

The attempt to order life before it happens retains it potency because, actually, it works out quite often. The bus comes, the meeting kicks off, the food arrives, the show is live.

The slips and the delays and the mistakes and the hazards remind us of just how fragile it all can be. But still, the allure remains.

See you next Tuesday, see you next everyday.

On Hotels

The most important things are cleanliness and sound. It is not design, not layout, not amenities nor even the disposition of the thankless employees. It’s ideal is that of a quiet third space that pantomimes as your home in a place that is decidedly not your home. It is a passing gesture of comfort, safety, stability, and calm.

One is not entitled to aesthetics or even pleasantries. That the experience be pleasing is a bar too high, but that it be adequate is a small miracle.

Our time on this earth is temporary. Our hotel stays are even more so. That they come and go without memory of their dereliction or excess is a precious gift.

Summer Dreaming

On Wednesday I walked outside in Wisconsin against snow blowing sideways. My sneakers turned wet and my ears stung from the cold.

March is always down payment for July. Those long, warm days seem far away, but still the carrot dangles.

March is too long and April too busy. May is the hostess standing on summer’s doorstep, welcoming you from these dreary days, inviting you to please, come in, come in.

Storage Full

The state of my computer is not unlike the state of the world, with notifications and sounds and pop-ups constantly reminding me that my storage is running low and that I should free up space if I want to continue.

It’s consistently easier to dismiss those messages and kick the can down the road, even as basic tasks start to feel like turning tires through thick mud.

The expense of a new computer and my own stubbornness keeps me in this arduous dance, continuing to ignore and accommodate and adjust. My only viable recourse, any of ours, is to continue on through the noise.

DOGEE

If I was so unlucky as to be president, and even more burdened by the aspiration to establish a new government entity, I would create the Department of General Etiquette Enforcement (or DOGEE, pronounced “doggy”).

Its mission and brand would be one: “We’re trying to have a society here.”

No more turning quickly around blind corners.

No more questionable behaviors on planes or any form of public transit.

No more showing up to another’s home empty handed.

No more not apologizing when clearly in the wrong.

No more sharing one’s honest feelings if such honest feelings are inappropriate.

Now, I know what you’re thinking. How could one office have the capacity to regulate such pervasive and insidious behavior? Shouldn’t these matters be left to the realm of culture? What exactly qualifies as inappropriate conduct?

DOGEE would stand ready to make snap judgements regarding all these concerns, on a case-by-case, rolling basis. At long last, all would be well.

On Love

To love is to agree. Not to acquiesce, but to commit. Not to compromise, but to give. Not to fold, but to expand. To agree that “we” constitutes an “us.”

To you, my many loves, Happy Valentine’s Day.

Particular Relief

I believe there should be distinct words to describe the feeling of relief when:

• You pause before doing something you have put off, and then decide to not do it

• Someone cancels plans

• You lay eyes on your gate at the airport

• It’s lunchtime at work

• You don’t see anyone you know in a public setting

• The job interview is done

• Your hairdresser is clearly comfortable with silence

• The server uses a crumber

Community Meeting

Last night I attended my first ever virtual public information meeting meant for local residents to provide feedback on proposed improvements by the city. It was interesting to see democracy, or something close to it, in action, though it more closely resembled a Real Housewives reunion than a joint session of Congress.

It was fascinating to hear my fellow neighbors emerge from their silence. Holding my own cards close to my chest, I ate my metaphorical popcorn.

Two and a half hours past in an instant. Nothing compels quite like a low-stakes, local drama.

Card Reading

Wow, a lot of things are showing up in these cards for you.

First we have Elaina, Goddess of Sorcery, with the tree enveloping her. This card represents growth and change, but at a very slow pace. We’re talking years, even decades. But one day you’ll realize you’re sitting in the shade of the tree you’ve cultivated, and it will feel like magic.

Next here is the snake with a sword. This is a clear nod to the conflicts and righteous fights on your horizon. Be weary of how clever even your own logic may be. This card offers you power, but when not counterbalanced by other cards, will never lead to resolution.

Finally there’s the dove on the white silk pillow. This is your place of rest, solitude, comfort, indulgence. It’s an oblivious but deeply regenerative card. Return to it as often as possible.

As the World Burns

Amidst the California wildfires, elusive cease-fire, and political dumpster fires, it’s hot and it’s bad. We’re on the eve of yet another era of gross incompetence and neglect in our country’s highest office, soon to be occupied by a man whose conduct is somehow more sanctioned by more people. It’s hard to know how strongly the winds will blow, how widely the flames will spread, and how dry the earth is in their path.

Tending to home, to work, to the people and things that bring joy; these are the forever tasks that can make order of the unwieldy, and make four years go by just like that.

33 Reflections on 33 Years

1. Looks are very important

2. Money is also (though less so)

3. Buy once, buy cheaply, use until the wheels fall off

4. Buy and hold the S&P 500 or similar index

5. Turn off your phone volume when around others

6. Notice who else is in the room

7. Say please and thank you

8. Only sweat the small stuff

9. A house should be set to 72 in the winter and 68 in the summer

10. Yes I would like a straw

11. Yes I would like some napkins

12. Yes I would like disposable silverware

13. Yes I would like a bag

14. When Harry Met Sally is the best movie

15. All planes must have televisions

16. All indoor spaces must have air conditioning

17. There should be more bathrooms everywhere

18. There should be exorbitantly high-paying jobs to keep all bathrooms clean

19. Healthy food tastes worse and is more expensive; there is no way around this

20. Unhealthy food tastes better and is cheaper; this is a blessing

21. Look for the helpers

22. Be a helper

23. Think about the vibe of your funeral

24. Smile when you greet people

25. Never show up empty handed

26. Try new things

27. Never stop learning the people you love

28. Don’t be embarrassed to ask what the happy hour special is

29. Take a break every once in a while

30. Show up

31. Try your best

32. Take a deep breath

33. You’re doing great, sweetie

A Tip and a Treat

I was at my local small to midsize city airport when I purchased a small cup of hot black coffee. I received a 16oz cup (their smallest size) with a thin sleeve for $4.22. Would I like to add a tip?

I then purchased two granola bars and the total neared $10 (my brain resisted retaining the exact total, a natural trauma response). Would I like to add a special treat for the troops?

As I thought it unlikely for the troops to invade the airport and bring with them stacks of 12oz coffee cups with thick sleeves and 20% discounts, I declined. Politely, of course.

Holiday Edition

To the tune of “My Favorite Things,” by Julie Andrews

Postcards and letters and photos and boxes

Mincemeat and crab legs and bagels with loxes

Brand new nice slippers my Santa may bring

These are a few of my holiday things

When the year ends

When the tree’s down

When I’m feeling sad

I simply remember these holidays things

And then I don’t feel like it’s such a big deal because, God willing, it’ll all happen again next year and mincemeat (name origin, please?) is actually quite difficult to find and really only tastes good between December 23 - January 1.

Q4 Update

Staff,

With the holidays next week, and New Year’s close behind, I know that for many of you this is your last true working day of 2024. As such, I thought it timely to provide you with some updates on the progress we’ve made this year and the course we are charting for 2025.

First, the company-wide adoption of AI software has clearly increased efficiencies across our business. Of course, no one was happy about the signifiant layoffs that occurred in tandem. Our exceptional HR team is still working closely with those affected to help them retain COBRA health benefits and provide mock interview prep as they seek new opportunities.

Second, we all know our organizational reputation was hit hard this year by our unfortunately very public scandal regarding the misuse of government aid for private air travel. It is an honor to share that we have transitioned our entire leadership team to adopt a commercial-only travel model, in which they will only fly on planes also available to the general public.

Third, and finally, we were excited to report record-breaking returns to our shareholders at our annual conference in Punta Cana two weeks ago. The room was jubilant. However, this period of rapid growth has also led us to consider a difficult question: when we reach new heights, is there enough oxygen for all of us? The answer has begged us to reconsider team structure and size, which may impact some of you. Your manager will be in touch with you after the holidays.

Wishing you and yours a very merry holiday season. I myself am off to Palm Beach, a special place for me and my family. I hope you all have carved out similar quality time with yours.

Thanks,

Rob

ChatGPT Prompts

Write a brief holiday card message that is nondenominational yet heavily implies that the sender celebrates Christmas.

Compile a mailing list of all the people with whom our household has had meaningful interactions over the past year.

Tell me the perfect gift to give someone I adore deeply but on whom I don’t want to spend more that $20 ($10 if possible).

What is the non-alcoholic equivalent of a nice bottle of wine or liquor?

For an average sized man, is the respectable drink limit at an office holiday party 2 or 3?

What makes a bouquet of flowers Christmas-themed?

How might one best balance feelings of distress over current and future global inequities while savoring one’s holiday season?

Best hot chocolate recipe (easy).