Email Sign Offs Rated

1. Best,

2. Thanks,

3. All best,

4. Yours,

5. Sincerely,

6. Warmly,

7. Regards,

8. Warm regards,

9. Thank you in advance,

10. I didn’t even want to send this email, but you left me no other choice so here we are. I can not make it more clear for you. This is a sad dance we have got ourselves into and it is difficult to see a plausible escape. I suppose there’s not much in this life one can count on, let alone a sufficient reply from you, and so I will resign myself to find other things, other people, other places that fill my cup. May it runneth over like a wellspring of love, and may you find something, someone, somewhere, too,

Work Conference Schedule

Annual Office Personality Hires Conference

Hard Rock Hotel & Casino

Las Vegas, Nevada

November 1-4, 2023

Wednesday

5pm: Early Registration ($200 slot machine credit to first 100 registrants)

Thursday

8am: Regular Registration (last person to register must present)

9am: Complimentary Hot Breakfast

10am: Session 1: Looking Busy: From Furrowed Brows to Hand-on-Chin Placement

11am: Session 2: Visibility: Maximizing Minimal Effort

12pm: Lunch

2pm: Session 3: Office Gays: Your Greatest Allies

3pm: Session 4: Learning from the Vets: How to Coast for Decades

4pm: Session 5: Loud Quitting: When (and How) to Burn It All Down

5pm: Cocktails

8pm: Dinner

Friday

10am: Yoga

12pm: Lunch/Cocktails

Afternoon: Free time

8pm: Adele LIVE!

11pm: Afterparty (Drag Adele LIVE!)

Saturday

9am: TBD (Last registrant to present)

10am: Complimentary Brunch & Farewell Drinks

What I Love About Maine

The land is beautiful, the air is clean, the people are real, and no matter how bad things get, we weather the storm.

How I Would Choose a House Speaker

Step 1

Immediately eliminate anyone who isn’t a mother, hasn’t worked in food service, and has never sat in a circle where someone holds “the talking stick.”

Step 2

Pick remaining names out of a hat.

Gently Used

On Wednesday I went to the university book sale, made possible by book donations from the community. The room was labeled thoughtfully by genre: History, Art, Travel, Cooking, and so on. Us patrons, however, were all of the same genre: Cheap. Paperbacks were $3 and hardcovers were $5.

The tension was thick as we competed to find the best of the worst. Scooting by others became a master class in passive aggression. The more time I spent there the more I started sweating, worrying I might miss something. I knew it was time to go when a woman next to me looked down at my box set of The New Yorker Encyclopedia of Cartoons and said, “nice find.”

(The set was $10 as it included two reference books, A-K and L-Z. My sense of civilivty precluded my urge to protest the obvious double charge.)

Sometimes community means scraping the bottom of the barrel together.

Comparative Suffering

There once was a mouse who was smaller than the others. He could jump, scurry, eat, and squeak, but always lower, slower, less, and softer. This inadequacy was the central conflict in his life, his original scar. He thought it impossible that anyone, mouse or otherwise, could live such a pitiful existence as he.

In a spiral of shame he wandered from the musty basement to one of the many posh offices above. Squeezing through centuries-old beams and around stately moulding, darting across firm navy carpets embroidered with official seals, he was considering returning home when he noticed a man sitting in the far corner. He seemed so full of sorrow yet empty inside, a fragile shell of a person who had given everything away with no dignity spared. The mouse felt embarrassed just looking at him.

Perhaps God sent this man to comfort the mouse. “Yes, things could always be worse,” he thought. The mouse sauntered over to the man, who didn’t so much as startle. “What’s you name?” The mouse uttered, and listened intently.

“Kevin McCarthy.”

Motivational Reminder

If a square is a rectangle and a whale is a mammal and a tomato is a fruit and a pine cone is a state flower, you can be whatever you want to be.

Sample Job Interview Questions

1. Tell me about a time when you experienced conflict and all the things the other person could have done to resolve it.

2. Who on LinkedIn do you most loathe and why?

3. Give me an example of a small detail you made into a big deal and the resources you mobilized to address it.

4. Are you able to effectively leverage procrastination to add a sense of urgency to otherwise banal projects?

5. In all of your workplaces, have you ever encountered a situation in which it was acceptable to choose a bathroom stall next to one ostensibly occupied by a colleague?

6. What is your style of exiting office parties?

7. From our short time together, what would you say is my greatest strength and my greatest weakness?

8. Our organization values transparency above all else. Can you tell us about a time when you had to find out information you weren’t supposed to know?

9. What day of the week are you and why?

10. What are three words your elementary school physical education teacher would use to describe you? What was his/her/their name? Why do you/do you not remember?

11. Should cream cheese have flavors?

12. Besides money and prestige among straight men, can you imagine any pros of working for Elon Musk?

13. What tactics do you use to transform question-and-answer interview structures to something resembling organic dialogue?

14. What is your salary requirement for this position?

15. [If time allows.] Do you have any questions for us?

10 Superpowers I Wish I Had

• Knowing who finds me attractive and how to exploit that for personal gain.

• Knowing how much big ticket items costs without having to ask.

• Knowing how others paid for big ticket items.

• The ability to make Chinese food appear.

• The ability to make a minibar appear.

• The ability to gracefully decline.

• Smelling good at all times.

• An effervescent attitude.

• Super strength.

• Flying.

Friday Night Lights

Elizabeth had never much cared for football, let alone troubled herself to learn the rules. When her boyfriend of four years insisted she attend his opening game against a neighboring high school, she acquiesced on the condition that he would take her to a nice dinner the following evening.

She was shocked at how many spectators filled the stands. Surely their school of modest enrollment and their only slightly larger rival weren’t capable of producing such a crowd. She had never seen an audience a quarter this size at the plays in which she would star.

She purchased a bottle of water for $3 and took her place near what she’d later learn was the five yard line, a bad seat for viewing but a perfectly good one for finishing her book.

The next night, just after the server placed a basket of warm bread with whipped butter, Elizabeth’s boyfriend erupted. “How come you never care about my games? I go to every single one of your plays, and you couldn’t tell me one thing about what happened last night.”

“I star in the plays, though…” Elizabeth mumbled.

“I am the quarterback!”

Years later, Elizabeth was scrolling in bed when the news broke that Tom was retiring from football. She had felt bad when he left her for Gisele, but now she felt worse. The sport, while clearly lucrative, seemed to cost him his life.

Maybe she should have taken more care. Would it have killed her to learn the point value of a field goal, ask him a question about first downs? Still, she couldn’t shake the feeling that his only committed relationship would be with the lights. She put down her phone, nuzzled up to her philosophy professor husband, and quickly dozed off to sleep.

Labor Party

Subject: A Few Updates

Date: September 1, 2023, 6:00am

To Our Valued Employees,

We hope you and your families are preparing for a relaxing and rejuvenating Labor Day Weekend. We know this season can feel overwhelming for many with children going back to school, college move-ins, and of course the end of our trial Summer Friday Happy Hour program (as communicated previously, excessive intoxication in the office is never appropriate, and so we will be returning to our alcohol-free policy come next year).

And to Colleen, we all must say: Why did you do it? Our operations team’s diligent and careful work organizing tasteful gatherings for our entire organization will be forever marred by your decision to add Everclear to the punch bowl at the supposed encouragement of others (“basically everyone,” to use your words). We sincerely apologize to those employees asked to call their spouses or teenage children to transport them home, and especially those forced to sleep in the break room. While it was no doubt a night we will never forget, it is one us on the leadership team wish never happened at all.

Unfortunately, we must send our well wishes to the multiple employees who left us no choice but to terminate their employment. While suggestions about improving workplace conditions are always welcome, such feedback need be communicated through appropriate channels. This does not include shouting at direct supervisors and reports alike, particularly in a group setting.

And to Colleen, we do not wish you a happy Labor Day Weekend. We wish you a lifetime of dull, sober labor, forever.

All best,

Carl

A Late Summer Night’s Dream

It’s the season of beginnings and endings, planning and prepping, lasts and firsts, coming and going. It strikes me every year how the calendar marches on but its pace never seems the same. I get used to summer living and suddenly it’s fall, then holidays, then the doldrums of winter, and those cold days feel like they will never end until suddenly I see a green bud on a tree branch.

School in September is like the gym in January, though in adulthood I have taken great solace in the optional nature of the latter in contrast to the compulsory nature of the former. Still, there is something to a fresh pencil; a new shirt; a renewed sense that this year, this is going to be the one (really).

I hope this season brings you joy and peace, laughter and light, sun and air, rest and relaxation. These are things I wish you all the time, but especially in these final days of sweet, sweet summer.

No Questions Asked

This past Tuesday I was jogging along a path and encountered a stranded wallet. I returned it to a nearby address and later received a call from its owner thanking me profusely, along with an invitation to buy me a coffee. I graciously declined. However, I would have accepted:

1. An all-expense paid, three night, four day trip for two to a private villa in St. Barts

2. A dinner party with a private chef in a private home overlooking a large body of water for myself and my twelve closest friends (I may sit at the head if necessary)

3. A lifetime supply of cheap beer and/or table wine

4. A boat complete with insurance, maintenance staff, docking rights, and seasonal storage

5. A $1,000 Williams Sonoma gift card

6. A $500 Starbucks gift card

7. A $100 McDonalds gift card

Time Sensitive

Hello Lake Association Members,

It has come to our attention that the arrival of Sarah Jessica Parker to our sleepy shores has caused much disgruntlement amongst our formerly tight-knit community.

We understand that many of you have opinions on whether her fictional character, Carrie Bradshaw, should have chosen Mr. Big or Aiden during the original running of her Sex and the City series.

Thanks to And Just Like That…, we now know that Aiden is back in the picture in the wake of Mr. Big’s death, and Carrie (again, a fictional character) is reconsidering her decades-old decision to marry a begrudging Mr. Big.

While we as a Lake Association do not publicly take stances in fictional matters, we do have a responsibility to prevent and/or halt any harassment of law-abiding homeowners on our lake. Therefore, please refrain from shouting, “We knew Big was bad for you all along!” at Ms. Parker; stop graffitiing, “JUSTICE FOR AIDEN” on her house; and halt all further plans of a rumored staging of a silent protest meant to stir her guilty conscience.

Love is a messy, complicated, and beautiful thing. Us at the Lake Association couldn’t help but wonder…can we keep it clean?

Happy August to all.

A Place for Everything

Landing, docking, porting, parking, zipped, secured, arrived, unpacked, waiting, wishing, wondering, reveling.

Get Rich Slowly

It’s that time of year when many of us are thinking about money. Not all of us, but many. And many of those few of us might be wondering, “Am I making the most of what I have?” Well, you’re in luck. Today we’re breaking down the top things you should be doing, have done, or could do to help you keep more of what you make so you can live more with what you have and enjoy life for all it’s worth, every day.

[No information in this article should be taken as financial advice. Consult your financial advisor.]

1. Consistently invest the maximum annual amount in your 401(k) and IRA (preferably a Roth IRA, unless you don’t qualify for a Roth because your salary is too high, in which case your concern is likely not how to get rich but how to stay rich, a far less relatable and compelling topic) in a no-load S&P 500 (or similar) index fund for 30-50 years.

2. Don’t get guacamole at Mexican restaurants.

3. Don’t have a liquor preference. (Practice by saying, “Rail is fine,” or, “Just the house white, please.”)

4. Book vacations far in advance.

5. Purchased used vehicles and drive them cautiously.

6. Cultivate interests that exist primarily outside of consumption (exercising outdoors, talking with friends, reading books from the library, etc.).

7. Indulge your fantasy of getting rich quick by hate-reading news stories of overnight successes, but don’t take them to heart.

House Description

This adorable yet charming two bedroom, one bath bungalow is just a stone’s throw away from all Springvale has to offer: shops, restaurants, Town Hall and the local jail (in case you need to pick up your husband after a wild night in nearby Metropolitanville, only 20 minutes away)! Imagine enjoying coffee in your backyard awash in local invasive plants that are sure to thrive throughout your time here. A private well ensures that no city ordinance will come between you and the freshest water, the aroma of which changes depending on how much rain we get here in our little slice of heaven. Allow yourself to be swept away by the mystical energy of this special home. Pink vinyl siding new as of 2021 and electrical has been fully updated by current owner himself!

Open house this Tuesday, 9-10am. Cash offers only (prefer 10’s and 20’s).

Letter From the 14th of July to the 4th of July

Dear 4th,

I hope you’re recovering well from the flurry of activity last week! Even though you were on a Tuesday I think you still made a big impact. I bet a lot of people just took the four day weekend.

I’m doing alright. I fall on a Friday this year which is pretty good. (Still no fireworks, though. Go figure!)

I get mistaken for you every now and again but they almost instantly recognize it’s a typo. It’s funny being a full ten days later yet a lifetime away in terms of prominence. I suppose we all get our lot.

Anyway, I hope you’re well. (How could you not be with the government holiday and all those parades?!) Looks like next year I’ll fall on a Sunday. Even if I can’t get a crowd to cheer for me, at least I’ll have some peace.

All my best,

14th

Easy Living

Let’s have lemonade that isn’t too sweet, with those bits of pulp floating around it, in large glasses with straws and tiny umbrellas on them.

How about some prosciutto wrapped melon and plenty of thick yet disposable napkins?

Bring anyone who also agrees that summer is clearly the best season, regardless of fall.

And for music we’ll do soft jazz.

We can admire the garden from afar and talk about our goals for the year ahead, holding back any follow up questions about how we might actually achieve said goals.

And let’s be sure to retire to the shade before we get burned.

It’s hard to make a living, but the living is easy.

No Emails Please

It’s the Friday of 4th of July weekend. The fact that you are reading this essay (clearly a non-urgent matter) linked in an email (sent to you by me) is simply grotesque.

I apologize on my behalf. If you are considering sending a no-stakes email today, I would strongly advise you in the negative. Everyone (and I mean everyone) has bigger drinks to stir.