Taking a Bye Week

Consider This a Permission Slip to Not Complete a Given Task Today

Soon-to-Be Out of Office

Hi team,

As you know, my wife and I are headed to Aruba tomorrow to try and rekindle that ol’ dwindling flame so just thought I’d give you some updates for when I’m out.

The project with Jim from Marketing is hotter than a skillet in hell so I recommend you take that, Brenda and don’t be intimidated by Amber’s aggressive email style. We have what she needs in the G Drive so always remember where the balance of power lies.

Ross, I think we can go ahead and drop the communication strategy around the Use Less Toilet Paper Initiative. I think people are gonna use what they’re gonna use.

Arlene, thank you for all your work in arranging that client visit while I’m away. Feel free to sit at my desk when they arrive so you can feel more powerful - people really underestimate the authority that comes with a corner cubicle.

Finally, team, I know we’ve been experiencing a lot of turnover and I’ll be honest: I think those people just weren’t cut out for the job. I have a really good feeling about what we have going here.

Will be thinking of y’all while I’m with my wife. Just text me if you need anything.

thx,

don

Statement to My Fans After Doing Something Abhorrent

First of all, I would like to apologize for any hurt I may have cause to anyone who may have felt hurt. That was certainly not my intention and never would be. I am human, just like everybody else, and like everybody else, I have my good days and my bad. Unfortunately, the worst moment of my life was caught on camera and disseminated for all to see.

While it is true that I was the one encouraging the person behind the camera to keep recording, I never in my wildest dreams thought this would be viewed by other people. I am disgusted by my own actions, for which there is no excuse.

I do think it is important that we take this as a learning opportunity for us all to reflect on what it means to be a “good” person in today’s world, and if we even allow space for people to fall. Must we all be on alert at all times? Have we no grace?

Even so, I wish to keep the focus on the victims. This is not about me. This is about them, and me making things right. That’s why I am encouraging you all to donate money to the Other People Fund. This is my way of reinforcing my longstanding belief that we owe it to the Other People, to stand with them in solidarity. I have already made a donation myself.

I think the bigger picture in all of this is that we all have room to grow. We are all flawed, beautiful creatures trying to make our way on this tiny planet called Earth that can feel so, so big. One dark spot does not, can not, must not cancel out the light.

My lawyers tried to dissuade me from writing this statement, but I knew I owed it to you all to hear something from me before the press has a field day with this. I do not care about “the court of public opinion.” I care about truth. While I should not have killed that person for taking so long to make my latte, live with the consequences I will.

peace + love.

xoxo

Prideful

Pride Month is not simply about initialisms, pronouns, flags, parades, or statements. It’s about honoring and recognizing our sheer existence, our internal worlds being recognized and celebrated by our external ones, and tipping the scale ever so slightly towards justice for those whose realities remain unbearable.

The longer I am gay the more personally inconsequential it feels, and yet the more politically salient it becomes. Sometimes I wonder if I need not point it out so frequently in casual conversation, or share my coming out story again, or remind people about the full spectrum of queer experience. But then I hear about more reckless people and officials doing and saying reckless things, and remember that my personal contentment is insuffienct evidence of social progress.

Pride keeps us moving the boulder up the mountain. Queer people have always been here and we will always be. Grab a drink and join the party.

Invasive Question

“What is your favorite part of the day?” he asked.

I was growing tired of generating feigned answers to questions about my personal health. Each response I could think of involved intimate time with my parter, and therefore irrelevant to share with the twenty-something gym employee completing my one-month-trial intake questionnaire.

“That’s none of your business, Chandler.” I jested.

“Haha, you’re funny, man. I got you. No but really. What would you say?”

I thought about falling asleep and waking up with my person, smelling coffee in the morning, sharing laughter with people I love, sitting around a table deep in conversation, feeling clean after a long day, observing the slowly setting sun with a drink in hand.

“That’s none of your business, Chandler!”

I wish I could see what he wrote down on his paper. “Unclear?” “Unwilling to share?” “Dodged question?” How critical was it that this information be logged so that I may one day be converted to a full-time member? But I suppose that’s none of my business.

Summer Availability

May 26-29: Memorial Day Weekend (not available)

May 30 & 31: Available 10am-Noon Only

June 1-30: Pride Month (not available)

July 1-9: 4th of July Weekend Observed (not available)

July 10: Summer Monday (not available)

July 11-13: Available 10-11am Only

July 14-17: Summer Friday/Monday (not available)

July 18-20: Available 10-10:30am Only

July 21-24: Summer Friday/Monday (not available)

July 25-27: Available 10-10:15am Only

July 28-31: Summer Friday/Monday (not available)

August 1-31: August (not available)

September 1-4: Labor Day Weekend (not available)

*Please do not schedule anything until at least two weeks after Labor Day so that I may catch up from the summer.

Things I’d Be Willing to Have a Town Hall About

It has come to my attention that a former president and future candidate recently decided to be interviewed on television via a town hall in which he pontificated irresponsibly about matters he has no business continuing to pontificate about. I would like to do the same about the below topics. (I should clarify I have no intention of running for president at this time because I am laser focused on serving my constituents in my current position. But if I do decide to run, you will be first to know.)

• Airports, Airlines, and Air Travel: What You (We All) Need to Do Better

• Why Saying Something is “Available Online, 24/7” is No Longer a Flex and Is Actually Patronizing

• Expensive Things That Are Worth It and Expensive Things That Are Not (ft. Cheap Things That Mean the Most)

• Finding Love When You Least Expect It and Other Love Quotes That Are Untrue

• Basic Personal Finance for Girls, Gays, and Theys: Roth IRAs and Why Ethical Investing is a Rich Person Thing

• Get Rid of Everything: How to Move to New York City

• You’re Not That Fancy or Important: Why You Should Smile Politely at People When You Walk By Them If You Live in a Small Town or City (Madison, Wisconsin Qualifies as a Small Town or City)

• Any Questions from the Audience That Suggest I Have Insight Into Things

The First Thursday in May

Wisconsin is like New York in that there are only three perfect days per year, three days when it’s cool and calm through the night and you can sleep with the window open, three days when the sun peeks over the horizon to illuminate blooming flowers or freshly cut grass, three days when there’s only a gentle breeze and a temperature so mild you can wear shorts or pants or a sweater or a tee shirt or a jacket or a dress and be perfect, perfectly fine.

Each like a cherry atop the tiniest sundae, we’re down to two.

Things I Do Instead of the Thing I Need to Do

Laundry

Sweeping

Vacuuming

Catching up on personal emails

Trimming flowers

Buying new flowers

Dishes

Exercising

Checking how many vacation days I’ve accrued

Reading New York Times headlines but not the articles

Jumping on a call

Reviewing my credit card statements from the past three months and mentally excusing the highest expenses

Reading local news

Reading email newsletters

Unsubscribing from email newsletters

Getting coffee

Getting groceries

Sending mail

Checking the mail

Scrolling Instagram

Scrolling Facebook

Looking up Apple Maps directions I’ll need in three days

Walking around the apartment and slightly adjusting small objects so that they’re either square with or intentionally diagonal to the table/counter/surface on which they sit

Dusting

Cleaning the toilet

Consider cleaning the shower but deciding that’s too much

Tapping my fingers in rhythmic patterns

Holding my fingers against my lips

Softly humming

Making sudden loud noises that resemble the choruses of current radio hits and/or very old commercials

Literally anything else

Closing Time

The higher ups recently decided to shutter the university athletic complex I infrequently visited for the past year. A vestige of the 1950s with an indoor track surrounded by machines on its periphery and basketball courts in the middle, the space was unimpressive yet convenient. It was just down the road and rarely had too many people. I found solace in its lack of circumstance, like the satisfaction of feeling sad on a rainy day.

I arrived on its final morning to more students than I ever remembered seeing at that early hour. By seven o’clock there were tens of people.

I finished my run and played my cooldown song. I noticed older patrons reminiscing by the stationary bikes. Younger ones were lifting weights in what appeared to be joyous conversation. A group of boys I had never seen before were playing pickup basketball. I walked just one more lap around the track, and then another.

Was I lingering?

When my dad painted our house, I missed the grey chipped paint. Though I loved my high school, I rarely considered the office dividers that delineated our classrooms. On the final day of my busboy job where everyone was so mean to me, everyone was so nice to me.

Everything is special on its last day.

Summer Comes in a Day

All it takes is one seventy degree day to bring me back to the beach, to the warm kiss of sunshine, to the cool morning before a hot day, to the condensation of an iced coffee cup, to the sunglasses I bring everywhere, to the coat I leave at home, to the beads of sweat after walking to the office, to the relief of air conditioning, to the workday ending with the sun high in the sky, to the vacations upcoming, to the weekends soaking it all in, to summer.

2024 Campaign Slogan Suggestions

C’Mon, Guys.

I Hear You, Girl.

Let’s Get It Together, People.

Let’s Do This, Y’all.

Make It Work, Designers.

You Better Work, Cover Girl.

That’s Not All, Folks.

That’s Not Just the Way It Is, Some Things Can Change.

I Can’t Promise I’ll Be Perfect But I Can Promise I’ll Try My Best and Read Everything and Listen To Many People and Make Informed Decisions and Communicate Those as Much as Possible and Make Things Better for as Many People as I Can.

Justice for All

It’s morning again in America. Who knew an indictment would be the thing to lift spirits? After a week of all-too-familiar horrors, it was a small hope that someone, somewhere, was organized.

I did appreciate seeing “porn star” in the same headline as our former president, given they share comparable prestige (though only one of them makes their living through honest work). I pray Stormy continues to stretch her fifteen minutes into years upon years, or at least long enough to build up a nest egg sizable enough to bring her peace. May she be sipping on something sweet and strong while he’s eating lukewarm bologna.

Job Posting

Title:

Director of Culture

Company:

DVN Consulting Group

Who We Are:

DVN Consulting Group seeks a personable and laid-back Director of Culture, responsible for keeping the vibes high and stress levels low. Here at DVN, we combine the pace of a small-town public library with the salaries of a Silicon Valley titan. Our hours are flexible, our coffee is name-brand, and we are proud to offer Summer Fridays all year round.

Our Director of Culture plays a crucial role in our work, which is focused on providing real-time, market-based innovative solution systems optimization strategy implementation and orientation for the world’s leading business leaders in positions of leadership. We get things done.

Who You Are:

• Voted Best Dressed, Best Smile, and/or Best Eyes in high school

• Rarely excel at any specific task but everybody seems to like you

• Likes to walk around the office and mouth the words “hey” while smiling and either waving or pointing depending on the relationship

• Deploys humor and leverages levity on a regular and culturally-specific basis as appropriate

• Resistant to raising concerns about “spending too much on this event”

• Willing to stay at a middle management level in exchange for zero pressure to improve and reasonable annual salary increases

• Knowledgable about both fine and cheap wines

To apply, please mail a handwritten note to our offices. Interviews will be conducted over dirty martinis after candidates are selected on the basis of stationary selection, penmanship, and sincerity. If we order a second martini, you got the job.

When You Can

I buy fresh flowers but then the water gets that smelly gunk and I don’t buy them again.

I pick up a bath bomb after a particularly stressful day but then it sits next to the tub.

I have a new skincare regimen but I only complete it about 42% of the time.

I want to be more fit but that inevitably involves more exercise.

I consider new clothes but rarely find them worth the price.

I try to eat healthier but then the spinach goes bad.

I search for new shows but land on the same ones.

I yearn for calm but keep drinking coffee.

I find a comfy spot but then I move.

Taking a morning shower in my clean home, making plenty of coffee in my same clothes, eating delicious food without working out, shifting on the couch watching my favorite show, going straight to bed without even washing my face. Heaven is a place on Earth.

DOA

Biden’s new budget plan was apparently submitted with the knowledge that it would be dead on arrival, the implications of which are incredibly professionally empowering for me. No more carefully crafted emails. No more impeccable attachments. No more tastefully scheduled meetings, clear agendas, sensible follow ups and sparkling deliverables; for we have entered a new age.

Send what you want, what you really, really want. Shoot for the stars. Start negotiations high, and then go higher. Move from expecting pushback to completely and preemptively disregarding it in full. Send. That. Email. Propose. That. Proposal. Have your rejection letter in hand before you even submit your application, and submit it with pride.

The most powerful office in the land has staked its claim on clerical efficiency. May we all feel liberated to finally tell Pam what we really think.

How to Request a Meeting with Me

From: Beautiful/Smart/Funny Person

To: Me (Dan)

Sent: Tues, 11:24am

Subject: Your Two Cents

Dearest Dan,

I was just at the florist after my spa appointment so naturally I thought of you. Our last meeting was so productive and reassuring that I was hoping you’d be willing to offer me some more sage advice.

I am going through [insert very brief thing], and I just want to know how you would handle it.

Could we meet on Friday at 9:00am at that adorable coffee shop just down the block from you and grab some blueberry scones and chai lattes on me? It’s the least I could do. I’m sure you could charge a fortune for time like this.

Grateful for you always,

[Your name.]

Flight Check

Airports make you go higher: expenses, anxiety, patience, air.

It really is a wonder that one can wake up in one place and go to bed in another hundreds or thousands of miles away, though the process itself has a way of stripping away the allure. Like a summer squash washed, peeled, and blended, air travel renders its main ingredients (exploration, curiosity, opportunity) unrecognizable.

I should specify that I refer here to commercial flights, and if you ever thought otherwise, I pray that I may one day live your life.

There are positives to flying, mainly that it is not busing, which, unless you’re boarding the Jitney from the Upper East Side to the Hamptons, is the singular worst experience ever created by the hands of man short of war crimes and unexpected phone calls.

The truth is, I am grateful every time I get to be on a plane somewhere. I marvel at the privilege of seeing the world from above, the buildings like anthills, the clouds like fluffed pillows, the streets and highways like veins connecting the landscape below.

Then the sleeping man next to me farts, and the flight attendant and I lock eyes.

“Coke, please.”

Reality Show Ideas

The Amazing Race but it’s all places in New Jersey

The Bachelor but all the contestants are over thirty years old with real jobs

House Hunters but they show the producers preparing the couple to be on TV

Survivor but everyone is staying at a Best Western

Top Chef but they have to use an electric stove

RuPaul’s Drag Race but it’s all women who need to dress professionally for different contexts whilst running for president

The Real Housewives of Des Moines

Academia: A Study

Academic texts are peculiar beasts. They translate phenomena that may be considered banal or commonplace into often inaccessible language saturated with references and nomenclature, rendering the murky waters between questioning and knowing unnavigable even to the most astute of readers. Given the widespread use such an obfuscating tactic, we might assume such practices compulsory for anyone aspiring to a career of the life of the mind. This is not to say, however, that alternative approaches or processes by which interpersonal communication, written or otherwise, is rendered useful or potent in the academy. It is to say that such an orientation toward knowledge we seek to share can be read as both a move away from the principals of liberal democracy and a powerful endorsement of the value of critical thought as the only remaining fertile ground in and upon which we might use the tool of language to plant seeds of inquiry and build a world imagined anew.

In this paper I will…