Time Sensitive

Hello Lake Association Members,

It has come to our attention that the arrival of Sarah Jessica Parker to our sleepy shores has caused much disgruntlement amongst our formerly tight-knit community.

We understand that many of you have opinions on whether her fictional character, Carrie Bradshaw, should have chosen Mr. Big or Aiden during the original running of her Sex and the City series.

Thanks to And Just Like That…, we now know that Aiden is back in the picture in the wake of Mr. Big’s death, and Carrie (again, a fictional character) is reconsidering her decades-old decision to marry a begrudging Mr. Big.

While we as a Lake Association do not publicly take stances in fictional matters, we do have a responsibility to prevent and/or halt any harassment of law-abiding homeowners on our lake. Therefore, please refrain from shouting, “We knew Big was bad for you all along!” at Ms. Parker; stop graffitiing, “JUSTICE FOR AIDEN” on her house; and halt all further plans of a rumored staging of a silent protest meant to stir her guilty conscience.

Love is a messy, complicated, and beautiful thing. Us at the Lake Association couldn’t help but wonder…can we keep it clean?

Happy August to all.

A Place for Everything

Landing, docking, porting, parking, zipped, secured, arrived, unpacked, waiting, wishing, wondering, reveling.

Get Rich Slowly

It’s that time of year when many of us are thinking about money. Not all of us, but many. And many of those few of us might be wondering, “Am I making the most of what I have?” Well, you’re in luck. Today we’re breaking down the top things you should be doing, have done, or could do to help you keep more of what you make so you can live more with what you have and enjoy life for all it’s worth, every day.

[No information in this article should be taken as financial advice. Consult your financial advisor.]

1. Consistently invest the maximum annual amount in your 401(k) and IRA (preferably a Roth IRA, unless you don’t qualify for a Roth because your salary is too high, in which case your concern is likely not how to get rich but how to stay rich, a far less relatable and compelling topic) in a no-load S&P 500 (or similar) index fund for 30-50 years.

2. Don’t get guacamole at Mexican restaurants.

3. Don’t have a liquor preference. (Practice by saying, “Rail is fine,” or, “Just the house white, please.”)

4. Book vacations far in advance.

5. Purchased used vehicles and drive them cautiously.

6. Cultivate interests that exist primarily outside of consumption (exercising outdoors, talking with friends, reading books from the library, etc.).

7. Indulge your fantasy of getting rich quick by hate-reading news stories of overnight successes, but don’t take them to heart.

House Description

This adorable yet charming two bedroom, one bath bungalow is just a stone’s throw away from all Springvale has to offer: shops, restaurants, Town Hall and the local jail (in case you need to pick up your husband after a wild night in nearby Metropolitanville, only 20 minutes away)! Imagine enjoying coffee in your backyard awash in local invasive plants that are sure to thrive throughout your time here. A private well ensures that no city ordinance will come between you and the freshest water, the aroma of which changes depending on how much rain we get here in our little slice of heaven. Allow yourself to be swept away by the mystical energy of this special home. Pink vinyl siding new as of 2021 and electrical has been fully updated by current owner himself!

Open house this Tuesday, 9-10am. Cash offers only (prefer 10’s and 20’s).

Letter From the 14th of July to the 4th of July

Dear 4th,

I hope you’re recovering well from the flurry of activity last week! Even though you were on a Tuesday I think you still made a big impact. I bet a lot of people just took the four day weekend.

I’m doing alright. I fall on a Friday this year which is pretty good. (Still no fireworks, though. Go figure!)

I get mistaken for you every now and again but they almost instantly recognize it’s a typo. It’s funny being a full ten days later yet a lifetime away in terms of prominence. I suppose we all get our lot.

Anyway, I hope you’re well. (How could you not be with the government holiday and all those parades?!) Looks like next year I’ll fall on a Sunday. Even if I can’t get a crowd to cheer for me, at least I’ll have some peace.

All my best,

14th

Easy Living

Let’s have lemonade that isn’t too sweet, with those bits of pulp floating around it, in large glasses with straws and tiny umbrellas on them.

How about some prosciutto wrapped melon and plenty of thick yet disposable napkins?

Bring anyone who also agrees that summer is clearly the best season, regardless of fall.

And for music we’ll do soft jazz.

We can admire the garden from afar and talk about our goals for the year ahead, holding back any follow up questions about how we might actually achieve said goals.

And let’s be sure to retire to the shade before we get burned.

It’s hard to make a living, but the living is easy.

No Emails Please

It’s the Friday of 4th of July weekend. The fact that you are reading this essay (clearly a non-urgent matter) linked in an email (sent to you by me) is simply grotesque.

I apologize on my behalf. If you are considering sending a no-stakes email today, I would strongly advise you in the negative. Everyone (and I mean everyone) has bigger drinks to stir.

Taking a Bye Week

Consider This a Permission Slip to Not Complete a Given Task Today

Soon-to-Be Out of Office

Hi team,

As you know, my wife and I are headed to Aruba tomorrow to try and rekindle that ol’ dwindling flame so just thought I’d give you some updates for when I’m out.

The project with Jim from Marketing is hotter than a skillet in hell so I recommend you take that, Brenda and don’t be intimidated by Amber’s aggressive email style. We have what she needs in the G Drive so always remember where the balance of power lies.

Ross, I think we can go ahead and drop the communication strategy around the Use Less Toilet Paper Initiative. I think people are gonna use what they’re gonna use.

Arlene, thank you for all your work in arranging that client visit while I’m away. Feel free to sit at my desk when they arrive so you can feel more powerful - people really underestimate the authority that comes with a corner cubicle.

Finally, team, I know we’ve been experiencing a lot of turnover and I’ll be honest: I think those people just weren’t cut out for the job. I have a really good feeling about what we have going here.

Will be thinking of y’all while I’m with my wife. Just text me if you need anything.

thx,

don

Statement to My Fans After Doing Something Abhorrent

First of all, I would like to apologize for any hurt I may have cause to anyone who may have felt hurt. That was certainly not my intention and never would be. I am human, just like everybody else, and like everybody else, I have my good days and my bad. Unfortunately, the worst moment of my life was caught on camera and disseminated for all to see.

While it is true that I was the one encouraging the person behind the camera to keep recording, I never in my wildest dreams thought this would be viewed by other people. I am disgusted by my own actions, for which there is no excuse.

I do think it is important that we take this as a learning opportunity for us all to reflect on what it means to be a “good” person in today’s world, and if we even allow space for people to fall. Must we all be on alert at all times? Have we no grace?

Even so, I wish to keep the focus on the victims. This is not about me. This is about them, and me making things right. That’s why I am encouraging you all to donate money to the Other People Fund. This is my way of reinforcing my longstanding belief that we owe it to the Other People, to stand with them in solidarity. I have already made a donation myself.

I think the bigger picture in all of this is that we all have room to grow. We are all flawed, beautiful creatures trying to make our way on this tiny planet called Earth that can feel so, so big. One dark spot does not, can not, must not cancel out the light.

My lawyers tried to dissuade me from writing this statement, but I knew I owed it to you all to hear something from me before the press has a field day with this. I do not care about “the court of public opinion.” I care about truth. While I should not have killed that person for taking so long to make my latte, live with the consequences I will.

peace + love.

xoxo

Prideful

Pride Month is not simply about initialisms, pronouns, flags, parades, or statements. It’s about honoring and recognizing our sheer existence, our internal worlds being recognized and celebrated by our external ones, and tipping the scale ever so slightly towards justice for those whose realities remain unbearable.

The longer I am gay the more personally inconsequential it feels, and yet the more politically salient it becomes. Sometimes I wonder if I need not point it out so frequently in casual conversation, or share my coming out story again, or remind people about the full spectrum of queer experience. But then I hear about more reckless people and officials doing and saying reckless things, and remember that my personal contentment is insuffienct evidence of social progress.

Pride keeps us moving the boulder up the mountain. Queer people have always been here and we will always be. Grab a drink and join the party.

Invasive Question

“What is your favorite part of the day?” he asked.

I was growing tired of generating feigned answers to questions about my personal health. Each response I could think of involved intimate time with my parter, and therefore irrelevant to share with the twenty-something gym employee completing my one-month-trial intake questionnaire.

“That’s none of your business, Chandler.” I jested.

“Haha, you’re funny, man. I got you. No but really. What would you say?”

I thought about falling asleep and waking up with my person, smelling coffee in the morning, sharing laughter with people I love, sitting around a table deep in conversation, feeling clean after a long day, observing the slowly setting sun with a drink in hand.

“That’s none of your business, Chandler!”

I wish I could see what he wrote down on his paper. “Unclear?” “Unwilling to share?” “Dodged question?” How critical was it that this information be logged so that I may one day be converted to a full-time member? But I suppose that’s none of my business.

Summer Availability

May 26-29: Memorial Day Weekend (not available)

May 30 & 31: Available 10am-Noon Only

June 1-30: Pride Month (not available)

July 1-9: 4th of July Weekend Observed (not available)

July 10: Summer Monday (not available)

July 11-13: Available 10-11am Only

July 14-17: Summer Friday/Monday (not available)

July 18-20: Available 10-10:30am Only

July 21-24: Summer Friday/Monday (not available)

July 25-27: Available 10-10:15am Only

July 28-31: Summer Friday/Monday (not available)

August 1-31: August (not available)

September 1-4: Labor Day Weekend (not available)

*Please do not schedule anything until at least two weeks after Labor Day so that I may catch up from the summer.

Things I’d Be Willing to Have a Town Hall About

It has come to my attention that a former president and future candidate recently decided to be interviewed on television via a town hall in which he pontificated irresponsibly about matters he has no business continuing to pontificate about. I would like to do the same about the below topics. (I should clarify I have no intention of running for president at this time because I am laser focused on serving my constituents in my current position. But if I do decide to run, you will be first to know.)

• Airports, Airlines, and Air Travel: What You (We All) Need to Do Better

• Why Saying Something is “Available Online, 24/7” is No Longer a Flex and Is Actually Patronizing

• Expensive Things That Are Worth It and Expensive Things That Are Not (ft. Cheap Things That Mean the Most)

• Finding Love When You Least Expect It and Other Love Quotes That Are Untrue

• Basic Personal Finance for Girls, Gays, and Theys: Roth IRAs and Why Ethical Investing is a Rich Person Thing

• Get Rid of Everything: How to Move to New York City

• You’re Not That Fancy or Important: Why You Should Smile Politely at People When You Walk By Them If You Live in a Small Town or City (Madison, Wisconsin Qualifies as a Small Town or City)

• Any Questions from the Audience That Suggest I Have Insight Into Things

The First Thursday in May

Wisconsin is like New York in that there are only three perfect days per year, three days when it’s cool and calm through the night and you can sleep with the window open, three days when the sun peeks over the horizon to illuminate blooming flowers or freshly cut grass, three days when there’s only a gentle breeze and a temperature so mild you can wear shorts or pants or a sweater or a tee shirt or a jacket or a dress and be perfect, perfectly fine.

Each like a cherry atop the tiniest sundae, we’re down to two.

Things I Do Instead of the Thing I Need to Do

Laundry

Sweeping

Vacuuming

Catching up on personal emails

Trimming flowers

Buying new flowers

Dishes

Exercising

Checking how many vacation days I’ve accrued

Reading New York Times headlines but not the articles

Jumping on a call

Reviewing my credit card statements from the past three months and mentally excusing the highest expenses

Reading local news

Reading email newsletters

Unsubscribing from email newsletters

Getting coffee

Getting groceries

Sending mail

Checking the mail

Scrolling Instagram

Scrolling Facebook

Looking up Apple Maps directions I’ll need in three days

Walking around the apartment and slightly adjusting small objects so that they’re either square with or intentionally diagonal to the table/counter/surface on which they sit

Dusting

Cleaning the toilet

Consider cleaning the shower but deciding that’s too much

Tapping my fingers in rhythmic patterns

Holding my fingers against my lips

Softly humming

Making sudden loud noises that resemble the choruses of current radio hits and/or very old commercials

Literally anything else

Closing Time

The higher ups recently decided to shutter the university athletic complex I infrequently visited for the past year. A vestige of the 1950s with an indoor track surrounded by machines on its periphery and basketball courts in the middle, the space was unimpressive yet convenient. It was just down the road and rarely had too many people. I found solace in its lack of circumstance, like the satisfaction of feeling sad on a rainy day.

I arrived on its final morning to more students than I ever remembered seeing at that early hour. By seven o’clock there were tens of people.

I finished my run and played my cooldown song. I noticed older patrons reminiscing by the stationary bikes. Younger ones were lifting weights in what appeared to be joyous conversation. A group of boys I had never seen before were playing pickup basketball. I walked just one more lap around the track, and then another.

Was I lingering?

When my dad painted our house, I missed the grey chipped paint. Though I loved my high school, I rarely considered the office dividers that delineated our classrooms. On the final day of my busboy job where everyone was so mean to me, everyone was so nice to me.

Everything is special on its last day.

Summer Comes in a Day

All it takes is one seventy degree day to bring me back to the beach, to the warm kiss of sunshine, to the cool morning before a hot day, to the condensation of an iced coffee cup, to the sunglasses I bring everywhere, to the coat I leave at home, to the beads of sweat after walking to the office, to the relief of air conditioning, to the workday ending with the sun high in the sky, to the vacations upcoming, to the weekends soaking it all in, to summer.

2024 Campaign Slogan Suggestions

C’Mon, Guys.

I Hear You, Girl.

Let’s Get It Together, People.

Let’s Do This, Y’all.

Make It Work, Designers.

You Better Work, Cover Girl.

That’s Not All, Folks.

That’s Not Just the Way It Is, Some Things Can Change.

I Can’t Promise I’ll Be Perfect But I Can Promise I’ll Try My Best and Read Everything and Listen To Many People and Make Informed Decisions and Communicate Those as Much as Possible and Make Things Better for as Many People as I Can.

Justice for All

It’s morning again in America. Who knew an indictment would be the thing to lift spirits? After a week of all-too-familiar horrors, it was a small hope that someone, somewhere, was organized.

I did appreciate seeing “porn star” in the same headline as our former president, given they share comparable prestige (though only one of them makes their living through honest work). I pray Stormy continues to stretch her fifteen minutes into years upon years, or at least long enough to build up a nest egg sizable enough to bring her peace. May she be sipping on something sweet and strong while he’s eating lukewarm bologna.