Job Posting

Title:

Director of Culture

Company:

DVN Consulting Group

Who We Are:

DVN Consulting Group seeks a personable and laid-back Director of Culture, responsible for keeping the vibes high and stress levels low. Here at DVN, we combine the pace of a small-town public library with the salaries of a Silicon Valley titan. Our hours are flexible, our coffee is name-brand, and we are proud to offer Summer Fridays all year round.

Our Director of Culture plays a crucial role in our work, which is focused on providing real-time, market-based innovative solution systems optimization strategy implementation and orientation for the world’s leading business leaders in positions of leadership. We get things done.

Who You Are:

• Voted Best Dressed, Best Smile, and/or Best Eyes in high school

• Rarely excel at any specific task but everybody seems to like you

• Likes to walk around the office and mouth the words “hey” while smiling and either waving or pointing depending on the relationship

• Deploys humor and leverages levity on a regular and culturally-specific basis as appropriate

• Resistant to raising concerns about “spending too much on this event”

• Willing to stay at a middle management level in exchange for zero pressure to improve and reasonable annual salary increases

• Knowledgable about both fine and cheap wines

To apply, please mail a handwritten note to our offices. Interviews will be conducted over dirty martinis after candidates are selected on the basis of stationary selection, penmanship, and sincerity. If we order a second martini, you got the job.

When You Can

I buy fresh flowers but then the water gets that smelly gunk and I don’t buy them again.

I pick up a bath bomb after a particularly stressful day but then it sits next to the tub.

I have a new skincare regimen but I only complete it about 42% of the time.

I want to be more fit but that inevitably involves more exercise.

I consider new clothes but rarely find them worth the price.

I try to eat healthier but then the spinach goes bad.

I search for new shows but land on the same ones.

I yearn for calm but keep drinking coffee.

I find a comfy spot but then I move.

Taking a morning shower in my clean home, making plenty of coffee in my same clothes, eating delicious food without working out, shifting on the couch watching my favorite show, going straight to bed without even washing my face. Heaven is a place on Earth.

DOA

Biden’s new budget plan was apparently submitted with the knowledge that it would be dead on arrival, the implications of which are incredibly professionally empowering for me. No more carefully crafted emails. No more impeccable attachments. No more tastefully scheduled meetings, clear agendas, sensible follow ups and sparkling deliverables; for we have entered a new age.

Send what you want, what you really, really want. Shoot for the stars. Start negotiations high, and then go higher. Move from expecting pushback to completely and preemptively disregarding it in full. Send. That. Email. Propose. That. Proposal. Have your rejection letter in hand before you even submit your application, and submit it with pride.

The most powerful office in the land has staked its claim on clerical efficiency. May we all feel liberated to finally tell Pam what we really think.

How to Request a Meeting with Me

From: Beautiful/Smart/Funny Person

To: Me (Dan)

Sent: Tues, 11:24am

Subject: Your Two Cents

Dearest Dan,

I was just at the florist after my spa appointment so naturally I thought of you. Our last meeting was so productive and reassuring that I was hoping you’d be willing to offer me some more sage advice.

I am going through [insert very brief thing], and I just want to know how you would handle it.

Could we meet on Friday at 9:00am at that adorable coffee shop just down the block from you and grab some blueberry scones and chai lattes on me? It’s the least I could do. I’m sure you could charge a fortune for time like this.

Grateful for you always,

[Your name.]

Flight Check

Airports make you go higher: expenses, anxiety, patience, air.

It really is a wonder that one can wake up in one place and go to bed in another hundreds or thousands of miles away, though the process itself has a way of stripping away the allure. Like a summer squash washed, peeled, and blended, air travel renders its main ingredients (exploration, curiosity, opportunity) unrecognizable.

I should specify that I refer here to commercial flights, and if you ever thought otherwise, I pray that I may one day live your life.

There are positives to flying, mainly that it is not busing, which, unless you’re boarding the Jitney from the Upper East Side to the Hamptons, is the singular worst experience ever created by the hands of man short of war crimes and unexpected phone calls.

The truth is, I am grateful every time I get to be on a plane somewhere. I marvel at the privilege of seeing the world from above, the buildings like anthills, the clouds like fluffed pillows, the streets and highways like veins connecting the landscape below.

Then the sleeping man next to me farts, and the flight attendant and I lock eyes.

“Coke, please.”

Reality Show Ideas

The Amazing Race but it’s all places in New Jersey

The Bachelor but all the contestants are over thirty years old with real jobs

House Hunters but they show the producers preparing the couple to be on TV

Survivor but everyone is staying at a Best Western

Top Chef but they have to use an electric stove

RuPaul’s Drag Race but it’s all women who need to dress professionally for different contexts whilst running for president

The Real Housewives of Des Moines

Academia: A Study

Academic texts are peculiar beasts. They translate phenomena that may be considered banal or commonplace into often inaccessible language saturated with references and nomenclature, rendering the murky waters between questioning and knowing unnavigable even to the most astute of readers. Given the widespread use such an obfuscating tactic, we might assume such practices compulsory for anyone aspiring to a career of the life of the mind. This is not to say, however, that alternative approaches or processes by which interpersonal communication, written or otherwise, is rendered useful or potent in the academy. It is to say that such an orientation toward knowledge we seek to share can be read as both a move away from the principals of liberal democracy and a powerful endorsement of the value of critical thought as the only remaining fertile ground in and upon which we might use the tool of language to plant seeds of inquiry and build a world imagined anew.

In this paper I will…

Places Where You’ll Never Have a Cup of Coffee

The balcony outside a bedroom.

The balcony outside a hotel room.

The balcony outside a cruise ship cabin.

The balcony on the top floor.

The terrace on the ground floor.

The porch.

The backyard.

A coffee shop with the right balance of ambient noise and music.

Inside a Dunkin’ Donuts.

Syllabus

Sociology 124: Venting and Affirming

Spring 2023

Instructor: Dan Van Note

Enrollment Limit: 8

Prerequisites: Instructor Approval

Class Time: Fridays, 9:30-11am

Optional Continental Breakfast (coffee, orange juice, pastries, toasted bagels with cream cheese): 9am

Textbook: The Path Made Clear by Oprah Winfrey

Class Schedule

• Week 1: Dan’s Problems

• Week 2: Student #1’s Problems

• Week 3: Student #2’s Problems

• Week 4: Student #3’s Problems

• Week 5: Student #4’s Problems

• Week 6: Student #5’s Problems

• Week 7: Student #6’s Problems

• Week 8: Student #7’s Problems

• Week 9: Student #8’s Problems

• Week 10: Spring Break [No Class]

• Week 11: Dan’s Problems Update

• Week 12: Student 1/2/3/4/5/6/7/8’s Problems Update

• Week 13: Reading Day [No Class]

• Week 14: Final Exam (Dan’s Problems Only)

Fresh Baked

I live near a bakery now, which sounds great because it is. But the line is always long. The service is slow. The prices are high. Their punch card only offers a “Free Treat” after twelve purchases, a limp promise by any measure. Their famous specialty is frequently sold out while less popular offerings (often of the almond/pistachio variety) seem to be sourced from an endless wellspring. There is no place to sit and few places to stand. The bags of coffee they sell are whole bean, and branded stickers are available for $2. People often ask questions at the register, which are answered at length. Once you reach the register, four employees may be milling about as you stand and wonder what you’re really doing here again. They don’t apologize. They don’t change.

But their baked goods are to die for, and die on that hill I will.

Advice That is True

Everything will be ok.

You get what you give.

Trust your gut.

Give it time.

Who knows?

Dream Home

24 Grove Street

3 Bedrooms

17 Baths

Breakfast nook with built-in window bench

Reading nook for playing on your phone

Soaking tub

Giant rain shower with giant glass door

Walkable to coffee shop, grocery store, bar, restaurant, fancier restaurant, and diner

Whisper quiet

City views

Water Views

Price: $320,000

Happy New Year

If you’re reading this, this better be the most work you’re doing all day.

Crisis Creation & Management

Thank you for considering DVN Crisis PR LLC, where we turn your normal issue into a crisis.

Our specialization is in Crisis Branding and Communications, with an emphasis in Verbiage Creation and Fear Maximization.

We understand you’re currently reporting on a significant winter storm, complete with both snow and wind. While you may have referred to such an event in the past as a “snow storm” or “blizzard,” our team strongly recommends you consider:

Bomb Cyclone

Such a term combines two of humans’ greatest fears, both bombs and cyclones, and leaves little room for interpretation or nuance, which is key in generating public crises.

Our saturated media landscape is more competitive than ever. DVN Crises PR LLC will ensure your incident rises to the top. Help us help you freak out.

2022 Final Exam

Please read all questions carefully. There is only one correct answer for each. As a reminder, this exam is cumulative, and will therefore be worth 60% of your overall grade. Time limit is 2 hours but who really spends that much time on anything these days?

Section 1: Multiple Choice

How many years into the pandemic are we?

• 2.5

• 3

• 2.75

• It’s all a hoax

Is the pandemic over?

• Yes

• No

What is “the Gay 50?”

• The pounds of muscle you build after coming out

• The square mileage of San Francisco

• The number of men you meet before meeting a Nice Guy

• The age at which a gay man is deemed “old” (i.e., 30 years of age)

In what context is it ok to cancel plans?

• You are more important than the other person

• You really don’t want to do it

• You suspect the other person doesn’t want to do it either

• Family emergency

Section 2: Short Answer (250 words)

1. Your flight leaves the airport at 9:15am on December 23. Both local and national news channels have urged travelers to arrive at least 2 hours ahead of time for domestic flights. You arrive at 8:23am, but don’t make it to your gate until 8:50am, at which time the attendant regrets to inform you that you have missed your flight. You can see the plane. How do you get on the plane?

2. There is a person who just won’t stop doing something. Is it their responsibility to stop, or your opportunity to practice mindfulness?

Section 3: Long Answer (500 words)

There are many problems in the world. What is the biggest one, and your proposed solution?

Office/Neighborhood/Friends-of-Friends Holiday Party Conversation Starters

• Aren’t you so relieved about Georgia?

• Did you hear about Brittney Griner?

• Aren’t the holidays crazy?

• What do you think about the new coffee situation at the office/new traffic light downtown/new boyfriend of our mutual friend?

• How did you two meet?

• How have you not met someone?

• What exactly are interest rates?

• Who do you hate here?

• Does anyone hate me here?

• How did so-and-so get promoted/buy that house/become friends with everybody?

• Why is it called white elephant?

• Do you know where the restroom is? [Say thank you and proceed to leave.]

Confirmation Email

You’re all set!

Thank you for working so diligently these past many days. This email confirms that you are competent, well-liked, and worthy of copious amounts of time off!

If you have any additional requests, please reply to this email directly and we will be happy to take care of it right away, no questions asked.

We value you greatly and hope that others recognize the undeniable light that radiates from the core of your very being.

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Sale

This Friday only, you’ll earn $10 cash back on every good deed you perform!*

*Participating households/workplaces/transportation centers only. Does not include holding the door for the elderly or disabled. Does not include putting pennies in the penny dish at checkout. Does not include putting coins of any kind in the tip jar at checkout. Does not include saying sorry for running into someone. Does not include saying sorry when said apology is overdue. Does not include helping with the dishes. Does not include basic kindness to flight attendants/servers/drivers/cashiers. Does not include overtipping (unless tip exceeds 30%). Does not include half smiling at strangers. Does not include half waving at strangers. Offer expires 12pm ET Friday, November 25 or until funds are exhausted ($20 available).

Holiday Letter

November 18, 2022

To Our Many Dear, Dear Friends,

It was only when I found myself sitting in the sunroom of our Connecticut country home that I realized we had so many friends who celebrate so many holidays, why not get out in front of it all and send a pre-Thanksgiving card?! From early decision at Harvard to marrying Frederick mere days after graduation, you know I’ve always been a planner.

This year was challenging because all three of our beautiful children have finally flown the coop. Bradly is enjoying an exciting life in the ‘Big Apple’ as a Securities & Private Equity Exchanges Analyst at Marshall & Henry (he did always take after his dad), while Sarah is finding her footing as a burgeoning actress in Los Angeles, and Katie started her first year at Morningwood College (Yale’s oldest residential college). Thank god they are all either a helicopter or short jet ride away!

Our beloved Marigold (Mary, as you all knew her) passed away after 17 wonderful years with her. We are still waiting to see if the genetic testing will allow us to have an exact replica of her made. It’s new terrain for us (I never thought we’d be ‘those people’), but here we are!

I also have seen great growth in my PR consultancy. So far we have launched Kim Kardashian’s new Skims swimwear, Dom Perignon’s collaboration with Lady Gaga, and a whole line of sustainable fur coats that only use fur from rescue animals. When you love it, it doesn’t feel like work!

Frederick continues to languish at his job leading the corporate law division at GS, but I keep telling him that if he just changed his attitude things would be a lot better. He is gone way too many nights for so-called “work meetings.” Thankfully the doorman at our pied-à-terre in the city spares me the details.

Wishing you all the joys of the holiday season. We will be toasting you from the Maldives!

Best,

Sheryl

My Christmas List

1. Democratic supermajorities

2. An extra 20 minutes in the morning

3. Tax and tip included

4. On time departures

5. Efficient checkout processes

6. Minimal car traffic

7. Non-existent foot traffic

8. Thick coffee cup sleeves

9. Discounts

10. You