Sample Ballot

Indicate your vote by filling in the bubble next to your desired candidate. If you do not completely fill in the bubble, or overfill the bubble, your entire ballot will be void and your trip to this elementary school gymnasium to fulfill your obligation as a participant in American democracy will be for nothing.

Governor / What Even Is a Lieutenant Governor

O Person You Already Knew You Wanted to Vote For

O Crazy Person from TV

O Beth Twigsnap (Green Party)

O Alex Hornman (Libertarian)

Attorney General

O Democracy/Election Believer

O Democracy/Election Denier

Sherriff (Who Knew?)

O Good Cop

O Bad Cop

District 13 City Council Advisory Board Representative Spokesperson (Vote for 3)

O Allan Bar (Independent)

O Veronica Mayweather (Independent)

O Robert Hempstead (Independent/Strong Families Party)

O Write In: __________________

REFERENDUM

Should the current policy which prohibits the enforcement of previous statutes protecting the rights of citizens to refuse the ban on personal tax withholdings be amended to declare such rights irrevocable unless voted upon by a 2/3 majority?

O Yes

O No

Girls’ Weekend

If you’re reading this, I’m drinking wine.

Falling in Love

At the end of the group fitness class it said on the big screen, “FALL IN LOVE WITH TAKING CARE OF YOURSELF.”

There are many activities I would describe as self-care, none of which involve sweating in a room full of strangers at 7:00am.

Self-care is time spent alone with impeccable wifi, scrumptious snacks, unwatched shows, fully charged batteries, temperature control, and a stack of books and magazines you’ll get to later.

To fall in love with taking care of oneself is actually a precarious path. Fall hard enough, and you just might need an intervention. An intervention so dire that you find it critical to enroll in a group fitness class.

Timetables

Tomorrow is the best time to do anything.

Tuesday is always better than Monday.

A doctor’s appointment counts as an entire day.

EOD means anytime before 11:59pm.

The end of the year is May/June, not November/December.

A book may be finished within 3 days or 3 years, never in between.

If it takes you 30 minutes to get there, it’ll take you 45 minutes to get there.

If it takes you 30 minutes to get ready, it’ll take you 45 minutes to get ready.

Emails are not permitted December 23-January 2.

Time is a construct but so are houses.

QVC Ladies

For every gaudy shirt, bangle earring, giant hairbrush, or shitty blender, there is a fabulous woman with three layers of foundation to sell it.

I turn on QVC for assurance that even amidst all the mess, some people can get it together. As I get lulled into their streams of endlessly positive banter, I start to nod in silent agreement. “That floral top probably does flatter every body shape.” “Maybe an off-the-shoulder fleece mumu is the perfect thing heading into the holidays.”

I don’t know what they get paid, but it should definitely be more. If I could do any job as well as the women and gay men on QVC, perhaps my low-to-mid level professional anxiety would be replaced by a quiet knowing that I do, in fact, have it all under control.

I know they all arrive home and likely lament parts of their workdays like all of us. But under the lights, in front of the cameras, they remind me of the power of belief. This next item really is special.

An Email That Finds Me Well

Hi Dan,

This looks great. No edits.

Also, I cancelled our meeting on Monday; from our call today you clearly have everything under control.

I looped in Alex on Wednesday about your promotion and we’re good to go. I’ll draft the staff announcement that you’ll be our new Important Senior Person, and if you could just send me any edits by next Friday, that’d be great. You’ve had so many accomplishments it can be hard for me to keep them all straight!

Finally, thank you for the talk we had in the office on Tuesday. There’s not many people with whom I feel comfortable opening up like that. You have this remarkable ability to be extremely competent at your job yet still approachable yet still highly respected. You are perhaps the best person with whom I have ever had the pleasure of interacting on both a professional and personal level. This place would crumble without you. We are so grateful.

Have a great weekend,

Jamie

Letter of Recommendation

To Whom it May Concern (Which I Can’t Imagine is Many),

The person on whose behalf I write today is one whom I enjoyed only a brief and tangential relationship. It seems apparent, however, that upon discovering your undoubtedly competitive program, said person concluded that I was most equipped to speak to their capabilities. It is certainly an honor, although one more akin to community service than receiving an award.

Throughout my time with this person, I can assure you that not once did I develop the impression that we were developing a bond that would procure enough content for me to compose an entire letter as I find myself completing today. But I come from a place of yes. It is certainly not my place to gatekeep opportunities from others, especially for a program such as yours which I am sure is, again, exceptionally competitive.

The truth is, there is no reason you shouldn’t accept this person. While I barely know them, I do like them. They are decent, smart, and capable. And if they weren’t, I certainly wouldn’t be telling you here.

As Sincerely As I Can Be,

Dan Van Note

A Few Notes

September is always more daunting in the abstract than the reality.

My friend is on a long hiking trip right now and it’s helpful to remember that beyond screens and grocery stores there are trees and convenience stores.

I am settling into my job and even spoke a few times in meetings without butterflies, so that feels like progress.

I wore my sandals outside for what felt like the last time of the year yesterday.

Going out on a Thursday night generally means B-list service but that doesn’t mean much if you have A-list company.

Fall Swing

Post-Labor Day, post-Covid, post-Queen Elizabeth II. It feels like we’re entering a new era of “afters” in which it’s hard to encapsulate exactly what has changed and how it’s changed us.

In the choreography of the year, autumn is always the restart. New fashions, new schools, new jobs, new people. But now it feels more a miraculous continuation, an insistence on performing normalcy that is at once comforting and curious. Did the last two years happen? Is there any use in recalling?

I’ve done thirty of these dances so far, and just now feel like I’m finding my groove.

Here’s hoping that all the “afters” are even better than the “befores.”

Serena

To watch someone perform at their self-defined pinnacle is a gift.

I have been so moved to see her play the game to which she gave so much and from which she built her life.

The theatrics, the drama, the anticipation of it all are simply the icing on the thick cake of thousands of hours of silent labor, uninsured toil, and quiet belief.

To bear witness to improbable greatness, sparkles and all, is a reminder that all of us have the potential to ascend as high as our will, whether that be under the beaming lights of the public or simply in the soft glow of our own self-image.

Thank you, Serena, for showing up and showing out. In your boldness, I see my own potential to shine.

Periodical

This time last year I was sitting at my computer thinking, “What am I going to write about this week?”

A weekly column in a big newspaper sounds like a dream job but it’s really not as good as this because with this I can just stop writing whenever I want.

Brief Agenda

Intro (5 min)

• I thought central air conditioning would be amazing but it is better than I could have ever imagined.

• Cable is worth it.

My New Real Job (15 min)

• Did you guys know how much the government takes out in taxes?

  • Has everyone always known about this?

  • Has this gone up since my last real job?

  • Is it possible for us to mitigate while still maintaining progressive politics?

Living Near a Trader Joe’s (10 min)

• Is it cheap or is it expensive?

• Is it classy or is it trashy?

• Do people loathe talking about it/is it tired?

  • Similar to discussing weather/number of steps you’ve got in so far?

• Any product recommendations?

Closing Thoughts/Items (5 min)

• Does summer really end after Labor Day or does it end whenever your last August vacation/trip is over?

• Why does it continue to be so hot after summer has ended?

• Sign mutual agreement to not send any emails the Tuesday after Labor Day.

Booked Solid

This is my last day at the lake — my most empty and full day of the year.

Just Closing the Loop on This

Hi Brenda/Steve/Alex/Robin,

Just wanted to close the loop on this as I’ll be away all next week. I know we talked previously about moving forward with the plan we discussed back in March, but given recent events I think we’re all in agreement that a new strategy is warranted. That said, I want to still utilize all of the great work you have done thus far in advancing this project. So, what I propose is this: let’s think more about how we might optimize our existing process while still obviously maintaining all the existing structures in place that are still producing results while keeping in mind that this is all in flux especially as we head into the fall which, as you know, is our busiest time of the year which only makes this initiative all the more important. That said, I do believe we are on the right track. However, I do think we have our work cut out for us and that we’ll need all hands on deck and also some heads down time to push this to completion and ultimately get Mark the kinds of deliverables he is really looking for. I know none of us want a repeat of last year.

I’ll be away from email and phone but if you need anything try Suzanne, though I know she’ll be out sometime next week, too. Looking forward to seeing what you come up with.

Thx,

D

Sent from my iPhone. Please excuse any tyos.

New Arrivals

New job

New apartment

New neighborhood

New headaches

New hopes

Same dreams

Same me

Same you

Lily Pad

I steadily sweat as I stood in the corner of my empty soon-to-be former studio apartment, appreciating the late afternoon sun stream through the windows as tears streamed down my cheeks. I remembered all of the moments I had in these few square feet, in a building whose age was the source of both its indelible charm and relentless hassle. In the summer it could be so hot, but in the winter it could be so cozy.

This place was the lily pad I landed on after barreling down the highway in a U-Haul from New York. It was my classroom, my gym, and even my living room one Christmas morning. It was where I forged a new life for myself in a time when life felt at its most fragile. And it was where I fell in love.

In my meticulous cleaning of every reachable inch, I thought about what the next tenant might find useful. Hand soap? A paper towel roll? My small garbage can? It was a utilitarian and emotional negotiation. But the more objects I considered, the less any of them made sense.

Sometimes the most beautiful gift you can give someone is a blank slate.

Dear Abigail

I am a thirty-seven-year-old mother of twins with another on the way. After deciding with my husband that we would be spending Christmas this year with my family in Tallahassee, he said he would inform his parents before our Fourth of July celebration. However, while he was at the grill with my father-in-law, my mother-in-law all but cornered me by the sliced watermelon asking where we would be spending the holiday and subsequently demanding I explain why I insisted upon breaking up “her family” (the only other time she posed such a question was upon the announcement of our engagement). I love my husband dearly. Was it wrong of me to tell his mother to shove off, and that I am his only family now?

PREGNANT AND PONDERING

Hi P&P,

The coordination of holiday plans are always a delicate matter, particularly when a partner’s family is involved. However, your question leaves me wondering what you have done in past years that had not led to such a conflict. Have you simply followed your mother-in-law’s orders in fear of ridicule? If so, such fears seem well-warranted.

Before addressing the exchange with your mother-in-law, I must say that your husband bears significant burden for not honoring your agreement for him to address this with his parents ahead of time. As much as your mother-in-law is in the wrong here for her spontaneous reaction, your husband is also at fault for not following through on a mutually agreed upon plan. Be sure to speak with him to locate either his forgetfulness or anxieties about representing your shared wishes.

You asked whether you were “wrong” for telling his mother to “shove off.” You also indicated that she accused you of sabotage immediately upon getting engaged to her son. Such a moment would have been ripe to address what has now become a lingering resentment. However, you seem to have made a bed in which you must now learn to lay. I would reevaluate your holiday plans and mend this fence. After all, few places are worse than Tallahassee.

A Day in My Life

My eyes flutter open to the sound of cartoon bluebirds singing outside my window. The smell of fresh cinnamon buns fill the air as I saunter to the open concept kitchen that has been thoughtfully designed in neutral tones. The day’s New York Times is sitting on the island with headlines highlighting recent milestones in social progress and a multi-page story about the absurdity of the housing market that reassures me that I did, in fact, purchase at the right time.

After a few hours of playing on my phone with the paper sitting next to me, I decide to take a walk through the garden and dive into my oversized plunge pool that is lined with historic mosaic tile yet is also somehow brand new. The temperature is perfect. After a few brief moments of conscious gratitude (gratitude really is the key to everything), I decide an outdoor shower is warranted before donning linen apparel for the warm summer day.

Friends come over and we have Negronis and they praise me for my generosity. I keep emphasizing that giving is simply who I am, and that with the right mindset, they, too can enjoy a life of abundance.

My alarm jolts me awake, and I begin my day.

More Perfect

You know what they say, two steps forward, fifty years of precedent steps back.

The United States is having a peculiar birthday this year, one something like either the terrible twos or the self-destructive teen years depending on how far along in history we are. In either case, there’s a clear rebellion against the progress that’s been made toward making this country a place of ideals enacted rather than oppression reproduced.

While I know it gauche to talk about the past in times like this, I really think it important to acknowledge that we all should have been more excited about Hillary. I was. Granted, I didn’t think I needed to be as excited as I am dumbfounded now. But people in Wisconsin and Michigan and Pennsylvania really needed to take this whole elected officials thing more seriously. No one voted for 45 with a straight face.

The long game of politics is precisely that. I hope that in another fifty years, I can be in a rocking chair on a porch somewhere, so grateful that this all got sorted out.

Beach Read

This one is so short and easy to read it’s perfect.