Holiday Edition

To the tune of “My Favorite Things,” by Julie Andrews

Postcards and letters and photos and boxes

Mincemeat and crab legs and bagels with loxes

Brand new nice slippers my Santa may bring

These are a few of my holiday things

When the year ends

When the tree’s down

When I’m feeling sad

I simply remember these holidays things

And then I don’t feel like it’s such a big deal because, God willing, it’ll all happen again next year and mincemeat (name origin, please?) is actually quite difficult to find and really only tastes good between December 23 - January 1.

Q4 Update

Staff,

With the holidays next week, and New Year’s close behind, I know that for many of you this is your last true working day of 2024. As such, I thought it timely to provide you with some updates on the progress we’ve made this year and the course we are charting for 2025.

First, the company-wide adoption of AI software has clearly increased efficiencies across our business. Of course, no one was happy about the signifiant layoffs that occurred in tandem. Our exceptional HR team is still working closely with those affected to help them retain COBRA health benefits and provide mock interview prep as they seek new opportunities.

Second, we all know our organizational reputation was hit hard this year by our unfortunately very public scandal regarding the misuse of government aid for private air travel. It is an honor to share that we have transitioned our entire leadership team to adopt a commercial-only travel model, in which they will only fly on planes also available to the general public.

Third, and finally, we were excited to report record-breaking returns to our shareholders at our annual conference in Punta Cana two weeks ago. The room was jubilant. However, this period of rapid growth has also led us to consider a difficult question: when we reach new heights, is there enough oxygen for all of us? The answer has begged us to reconsider team structure and size, which may impact some of you. Your manager will be in touch with you after the holidays.

Wishing you and yours a very merry holiday season. I myself am off to Palm Beach, a special place for me and my family. I hope you all have carved out similar quality time with yours.

Thanks,

Rob

ChatGPT Prompts

Write a brief holiday card message that is nondenominational yet heavily implies that the sender celebrates Christmas.

Compile a mailing list of all the people with whom our household has had meaningful interactions over the past year.

Tell me the perfect gift to give someone I adore deeply but on whom I don’t want to spend more that $20 ($10 if possible).

What is the non-alcoholic equivalent of a nice bottle of wine or liquor?

For an average sized man, is the respectable drink limit at an office holiday party 2 or 3?

What makes a bouquet of flowers Christmas-themed?

How might one best balance feelings of distress over current and future global inequities while savoring one’s holiday season?

Best hot chocolate recipe (easy).

Holiday Gift Guide

Adult Man:

• Bourbon

• Plaid shirt

• Book written by a female author

Adult Woman:

• Champagne

• Tasteful scarf

• Low-commitment bathing products (bath bombs, extravagant eye masks, etc.)

Young Boy:

• Lincoln logs

• Kitchen set

• Barbies in various executive or healthcare roles

Young Girl:

• Books about personal ambition

• Peel-and-stick face gems/clip-in tinsel hair extensions

• Lego set

LGBTQIA+ Person:

• Original copy of Brittney Spears’ 1999 Baby One More Time album or related merchandise

• Extremely expensive candle

• Anything extremely expensive

My Appointments

Treasury Secretary: Suze Orman

Social Secretary: Martha Stewart

Secretary of the Interior: Jonathan Adler

Attorney General: Judge Judy

First Lady: Carolina Herrera

Health & Human Services Secretary: Gwyneth Paltrow

Director of National Intelligence: Ken Jennings

Secretary of State: Pitbull (a.k.a. Mr. Worldwide)

United Nations Ambassador: Naomi Campbell

Secretary of Commerce: Paris Hilton

Chief of Staff: Anna Wintour

Mr. Clean

The homes of liberals have never been cleaner.

This weekend I contorted myself around the bathroom sink after deciphering how to unscrew the drain, and wiped up the dark gunk just beneath its ring at which I have been glancing for months each time I brush my teeth.

The bathroom fan mounted in the ceiling provided a similar opportunity. I finally watched a YouTube video explaining its removal and subsequent deep cleaning methods. I stood atop the three-step metal stool, shooting a can of compressed air while brushing the blades with a manual toothbrush, my glasses fogging up from the N-95 mask, clumps of dust falling on and around me.

There’s really a lot more up there than you think.

I also dusted the ceiling fans that otherwise run constantly.

There’s more up there than you think, too.

Sometimes the biggest moments are the ones that call us back to smallness. One faucet, one vent, one ceiling fan.

The nation may be a veering towards a big mess, but for those most concerned, it will happen in rooms immaculate.

It’s Mourning Again in America

It was the first morning in a long time that I didn’t look at the internet nor the television. Seeing it in written out in bold would have meant it was real, so maybe if I didn’t see it, reality was still up for grabs.

I resisted crying when checking in with people, which required resistance. I tried my dissociative best to carry on as if things were, if not different, then at least far away.

The only way I can come to terms with the moment is through understanding that the desperation in our country can’t be overlooked. People are shouting it. The profound bewilderment I feel within myself must be matched, within so many, by profound pain.

The American experiment remains just that. In it, the love of family and friends is the constant variable for which I remain most grateful.

Definitive Election Prediction

We anxiously go about our day on Tuesday. Some of us brave the chilly air outside libraries and school gyms, while others find small solace in having already done their part early. People stream out of work, or school, or the gym, or the store, just as the sun is sitting low in the sky.

We have a dinner that feels like a last supper of sorts, a last supper before the next chapter of history. The conversation shifts from the minutiae of the day, to the weight of the moment, to silence. We speak in unserious ways about hypothetical moves to other countries, or seriously about feelings of immense relief. The television comes on.

Those who know peace go to bed. Those who can’t resist stay awake. We still don’t know the results, and don’t know when we will know.

There’s an unexpected development that we’re not sure what to do with. We return to work, or school, or the gym, or the store. We trade glances with other people in our same boat, floating in the same ocean, all waiting for a conclusion, one that can finally allow us to move on.

Official Endorsement

Tonight, Beyoncé is set to perform at a Kamala Harris rally in Houston. As many know, the Vice President walks out to Beyoncé’s song, “Freedom,” at nearly every campaign trail appearance.

Of the story, The New York Times printed, “It was not immediately clear if Beyoncé planned to endorse Ms. Harris on Friday.”

It’s hard to imagine how much clearer an endorsement the musician could make than allowing her work to be used as a campaign theme song. What higher form of support could an artist offer than their art itself?

It’s like if The New York Times printed, “Dan Van Note has been consistently engaging with the petty drama of the election, primarily in the form of passing, snarky comments in support of Ms. Harris. It was not immediately clear if he plans to endorse Ms. Harris.”

So, let me be explicit: I am proud to announce my full-throated endorsement of Vice President Kamala Harris to be the next President of the United States. I am also proud to announce that it’s immediately clear that Beyoncé agrees.

Hourly Rate

A repair man came to fix something recently. It took him about twenty minutes. The charge for the parts and service was high, and it got me thinking…What service could I provide that would command such a price?

I know what you’re thinking, and no. Fitness modeling is simply not something I am willing to do. I want work that leverages my mind and abilities, not my sheer physical gifts.

Top options that come to mind:

1. Advising on the layout and maintenance of public restrooms

2. Consulting on residential real estate deals when the budget is “cheapest possible”

3. Reinforcing morally questionable behavior as long as it produces direct benefits to me

4. Editing email correspondence

5. Complimenting others’ outfits and homes

Unfortunately, in today’s economy, these services are severely undervalued. I practically give them away for free. But since economists agree that the market may soon achieve the rare feat of a “soft landing,” perhaps there is hope still.

Pumpkin Etiquette

Two triangular eyes, a triangular nose, and a jagged smile with missing teeth will forever represent the pinnacle of jack-o’-lantern design for obvious reasons.

A respectable second is an intricately carved motif of a lurking arched-back cat with a crescent moon in the background.

Honorable mention goes to the first option with select modifications, such as a full smile or humanistic nose.

Not advisable are clearly angry looking faces, or those expressing disappointment or melancholy.

Finally, a painted pumpkin is a choice worse than giving out apples on Halloween night.

Barefoot Dan

Ina Garten has been on an extensive press tour promoting her new memoir. In interviews she is at once polished, vulnerable, authentic, and relaxed. Her communication style is almost as unattainable as her lifestyle hosting real-life friends in her real-life East Hampton home on her real-life television show.

I do appreciate that she admits cooking is hard. There are chefs, like Bobby Flay, she says, who have spent years working in kitchens making the same dishes so many times that the activity becomes rote. She, however, may only test a recipe a few times before filming a show, or perhaps a dozen in preparation for a cookbook. Her admission makes messing up the occasional fried egg feel slightly less shameful.

Most touching is her recounting of how she created a life of abundance and connection after being raised in an extremely strict environment largely void of love. While her life “Out East” is anything but relatable, her heart reads so pure as to suggest she could have owned a small specialty grocery store in any town in America and still hosted fabulous dinner parties with friends. Maybe you could, too.

And that is the appeal of Ina. She doesn’t lay down the law like Martha or claim her meals only take 30 minutes like Rachel, but she shows you what it would actually look like to slow down and savor and share.

I myself am far too busy to be concerned with such things, but when Ina talks, she makes it sounds like she just might have a point.

Ideal Times

Coffee Date: 8:30am on Monday

Work Meeting: 10am on Tuesday

Lunch: 12pm on Wednesday

Cocktails: 5pm on Thursday

Dinner: 6:30pm on Friday

Show: 7pm on Saturday

Movie: 8pm on Sunday

Professional Development Offerings

Course 1: Describing Your Job to Friends and Family

Course 2: Engaging with Colleagues Who Didn’t Read Your Email

Course 3: Writing Better Emails

Course 4: Navigating Brief Cordial Interactions

Course 5: When to Issue an Apology

Course 6: Crafting the Slyest Non-Apology

Course 7: The Art of Vagueness

Course 8: Dressing for Adequate Success

Course 9: Budgeting for Your Imagined Future Wage

Course 10: Warm Autumn Cocktails

All-Hands: Holiday Campaign

Sandra: Morning, all. As you all know, as a Marketing team we’ve got an uphill climb this fall as we plan the holiday campaign. Given the presidential election, we need to find a message that can supersede political tensions while also acknowledging the national mood. Ideas?

Jane: How about, “Holidays, for All Our Days,” and we feature a bunch of different traditions?

Mike: Maybe, “All I Want for Christmas is All of Us Together,” and we go the classic turkey-on-the-table route?

Cheryl: What about, “Ding, Dong, Let’s Get Along,” go straight for the levity?

Tom: I was thinking, “It’s Been a Year. Have a Beer.” Simple, straight, to the point?

Sandra: These are all great ideas, team. I think that as Bud Light, people are really looking to us to set the tone for their entire holiday season. Let’s keep these ideas top of mind, put a pin in it for now, and circle back next week to make sure we get it right.

​Presidential Debate Bingo for Tuesday

On Labor

If work is defined as the things not easily done, then labor is that which requires such an immense lift that only a federal holiday could temper its burden.

I hope your Monday is joy-filled, frolic, and free of concerns about what Tuesday and all the days thereafter might bring. This weekend, summer takes its last gasping breath, and as it does, may we all take several deep ones.

My DNC Speech

Speaking Time: 2:30pm Tuesday, August 20

Location: United Center Lobby (as people enter main arena)

Notes from Harris/Walz Campaign: Motivate LGBTQ+ voters; please keep short.

Speech Text: Hello Chicago!

If you don’t see me, I’m up here on the stairs. My name is Dan Van Note and I am a proud gay American. Now, I don’t know if any of you are LGBTQ+. All I know is that you are waiting patiently in line, and that in this election, everything is on the line. It may look like a slog right now to get into the main arena. As queer people, we know that progress comes slowly. But fear not, you will get there in no time, just like it’ll be no time until November 5. Register to vote now, and please remember, like cargo shorts and choker necklaces, we’re not going back!

Ask Adam

Dear Adam,

My girlfriend has been pretty distant the the past few months since she found out I cheated on her. I know I was in the wrong, but is it possible for someone to make themselves wrong by the way they react to something?

Sincerely,

Dumbfounded Boyfriend

Hi DB,

First of all, I want to commend you for being so upfront with the fact that your girlfriend found out you cheated on her. Many would withhold that detail, but as men, our word is our bond, so props to you. (Sorry she found out, by the way. That’s hard.)

Men are primal creatures, so when our women pull away from us, it’s our instinct to find out what’s wrong. That seems to be your primary aim here. My advice would be to first identify what exactly your girlfriend did to make you stray in the first place. Did she stop greeting you at the door? Giving you gifts? Picking you up for dates? Once you can pinpoint that and share it with her, I bet you that will bring a lot of clarity on both sides. Honesty and communication are the most important things in a relationship, and if she isn’t aware of her own issues, then there will always be a knowledge gap there.

To address your question: absolutely. I remember when I forgot my wife’s birthday and our anniversary (they happen to be on the same day), and she took multiple deep breathes right in front of me without even saying anything. Those moments of silence were painful for me, and I communicated as such to her later. We all handle things differently, but as the old saying goes: silence is never the answer.

The more men can have these conversations with each other, the stronger a world we can build. Thanks for the question, brother.

Adam

Olympic Sports to Add in 2028

1. Graciously declining the invitation to hang out after work

2. Modern wedding etiquette

3. Completing long-term writing projects

4. Completing short-term writing projects

5. Making a friend organically after 30 absent a shared distain for something

6. Deciphering another’s political views after casual conversation

7. Olympic history trivia

8. Iron Chef

9. Answering the question, “Does this make me look fat?”

10. Moving a couch while maintaining a positive attitude