Barefoot Dan

Ina Garten has been on an extensive press tour promoting her new memoir. In interviews she is at once polished, vulnerable, authentic, and relaxed. Her communication style is almost as unattainable as her lifestyle hosting real-life friends in her real-life East Hampton home on her real-life television show.

I do appreciate that she admits cooking is hard. There are chefs, like Bobby Flay, she says, who have spent years working in kitchens making the same dishes so many times that the activity becomes rote. She, however, may only test a recipe a few times before filming a show, or perhaps a dozen in preparation for a cookbook. Her admission makes messing up the occasional fried egg feel slightly less shameful.

Most touching is her recounting of how she created a life of abundance and connection after being raised in an extremely strict environment largely void of love. While her life “Out East” is anything but relatable, her heart reads so pure as to suggest she could have owned a small specialty grocery store in any town in America and still hosted fabulous dinner parties with friends. Maybe you could, too.

And that is the appeal of Ina. She doesn’t lay down the law like Martha or claim her meals only take 30 minutes like Rachel, but she shows you what it would actually look like to slow down and savor and share.

I myself am far too busy to be concerned with such things, but when Ina talks, she makes it sounds like she just might have a point.

Ideal Times

Coffee Date: 8:30am on Monday

Work Meeting: 10am on Tuesday

Lunch: 12pm on Wednesday

Cocktails: 5pm on Thursday

Dinner: 6:30pm on Friday

Show: 7pm on Saturday

Movie: 8pm on Sunday

Professional Development Offerings

Course 1: Describing Your Job to Friends and Family

Course 2: Engaging with Colleagues Who Didn’t Read Your Email

Course 3: Writing Better Emails

Course 4: Navigating Brief Cordial Interactions

Course 5: When to Issue an Apology

Course 6: Crafting the Slyest Non-Apology

Course 7: The Art of Vagueness

Course 8: Dressing for Adequate Success

Course 9: Budgeting for Your Imagined Future Wage

Course 10: Warm Autumn Cocktails

All-Hands: Holiday Campaign

Sandra: Morning, all. As you all know, as a Marketing team we’ve got an uphill climb this fall as we plan the holiday campaign. Given the presidential election, we need to find a message that can supersede political tensions while also acknowledging the national mood. Ideas?

Jane: How about, “Holidays, for All Our Days,” and we feature a bunch of different traditions?

Mike: Maybe, “All I Want for Christmas is All of Us Together,” and we go the classic turkey-on-the-table route?

Cheryl: What about, “Ding, Dong, Let’s Get Along,” go straight for the levity?

Tom: I was thinking, “It’s Been a Year. Have a Beer.” Simple, straight, to the point?

Sandra: These are all great ideas, team. I think that as Bud Light, people are really looking to us to set the tone for their entire holiday season. Let’s keep these ideas top of mind, put a pin in it for now, and circle back next week to make sure we get it right.

​Presidential Debate Bingo for Tuesday

On Labor

If work is defined as the things not easily done, then labor is that which requires such an immense lift that only a federal holiday could temper its burden.

I hope your Monday is joy-filled, frolic, and free of concerns about what Tuesday and all the days thereafter might bring. This weekend, summer takes its last gasping breath, and as it does, may we all take several deep ones.

My DNC Speech

Speaking Time: 2:30pm Tuesday, August 20

Location: United Center Lobby (as people enter main arena)

Notes from Harris/Walz Campaign: Motivate LGBTQ+ voters; please keep short.

Speech Text: Hello Chicago!

If you don’t see me, I’m up here on the stairs. My name is Dan Van Note and I am a proud gay American. Now, I don’t know if any of you are LGBTQ+. All I know is that you are waiting patiently in line, and that in this election, everything is on the line. It may look like a slog right now to get into the main arena. As queer people, we know that progress comes slowly. But fear not, you will get there in no time, just like it’ll be no time until November 5. Register to vote now, and please remember, like cargo shorts and choker necklaces, we’re not going back!

Ask Adam

Dear Adam,

My girlfriend has been pretty distant the the past few months since she found out I cheated on her. I know I was in the wrong, but is it possible for someone to make themselves wrong by the way they react to something?

Sincerely,

Dumbfounded Boyfriend

Hi DB,

First of all, I want to commend you for being so upfront with the fact that your girlfriend found out you cheated on her. Many would withhold that detail, but as men, our word is our bond, so props to you. (Sorry she found out, by the way. That’s hard.)

Men are primal creatures, so when our women pull away from us, it’s our instinct to find out what’s wrong. That seems to be your primary aim here. My advice would be to first identify what exactly your girlfriend did to make you stray in the first place. Did she stop greeting you at the door? Giving you gifts? Picking you up for dates? Once you can pinpoint that and share it with her, I bet you that will bring a lot of clarity on both sides. Honesty and communication are the most important things in a relationship, and if she isn’t aware of her own issues, then there will always be a knowledge gap there.

To address your question: absolutely. I remember when I forgot my wife’s birthday and our anniversary (they happen to be on the same day), and she took multiple deep breathes right in front of me without even saying anything. Those moments of silence were painful for me, and I communicated as such to her later. We all handle things differently, but as the old saying goes: silence is never the answer.

The more men can have these conversations with each other, the stronger a world we can build. Thanks for the question, brother.

Adam

Olympic Sports to Add in 2028

1. Graciously declining the invitation to hang out after work

2. Modern wedding etiquette

3. Completing long-term writing projects

4. Completing short-term writing projects

5. Making a friend organically after 30 absent a shared distain for something

6. Deciphering another’s political views after casual conversation

7. Olympic history trivia

8. Iron Chef

9. Answering the question, “Does this make me look fat?”

10. Moving a couch while maintaining a positive attitude

Harris Veepstakes Pros & Cons

Josh Shapiro

• Pro: Is the obvious choice

• Con: Might be too obvious

Pete Buttigieg

• Pro: Is smart and gay

• Con: Might be too smart and gay

Mark Kelly

• Pro: Is an astronaut and intimately familiar with the tolls of gun violence

• Con: None

Rich Guy from Illinois

• Pro: Is rich

• Con: Offers little else beside perhaps the thickest and darkest hair of the bunch

Kentucky Guy

• Pro: Allegedly could speak to the concerns of the conservative common man and even sway enough of them to vote the other way

• Con: Would not

Fiscal Year End Performance Review

Employee: John Smith, Sales Director

Manager: Linda Anderson, Senior VP & Managing Sales Director

Fiscal Year: 2023-2024

Key Performance Metrics

1. Sales Goal: $4.5 million

   • Actual: $487.00

2. New Accounts Goal: 50

   • Actual: 2

Manager Comments

John, when you were first brought onto the team there was a collective excitement in the skills and experience you brought to the role. While you certainly hit the ground running, some interactions amongst colleagues and clients were not without incident, as we discussed upon their occurrence. Even still, we provided several opportunities for you to improve your performance, but to little avail. I am afraid we may need to seriously consider the feasibility of your continued employment here absent a significant adjustment in your orientation toward work and your colleagues.

Employee Comments

I would rate my performance somewhere between stellar and exceptional. Everyone thought that just because my dad owns the company, my mom is the HR director, and that all of my siblings work here as well, that I was some sort of nepotism hire. Boy has my 2023-2024 proven them wrong. My numbers may be a bit low, but I have several huge deals on the edge of closing. My only area of improvement would be in the performance of my so-called “co-workers.” Once they actually start doing their fair share, I’d be happy to share more of my wisdom with them. Onward and upward!

Summer Camp for Adult Couples

Eastwood Lake Summer Camp for Adult Couples

July 19, 2024 Schedule

8am: Breakfast

9:30am: Driving Range or Political Roundtable

11am: Hike or Personal Healing Seminar

12:30pm: Lunch

2pm: Swimming or Baking Class

3:30pm: Ropes Course or Meditation Circle

5pm: Cocktails

6:30pm: Dinner

8pm Movie Night: Pretty Woman or Terminator

Every Presentation Ever

Is this thing on? Can you hear me in the back? Ok, great. Oh you can’t? Oh ok, yes, yes you can. Ok great.

Well hello, everyone. My name is Jay and I am so excited to be here at our 2024 conference. I see a few familiar faces in the room and a few new ones, so I’ll just introduce myself a bit here. I’m Jay Magro and I’m a Senior Vice President at Alight. I’ve been with the organization for about fifteen years now and was at another organization prior for about twenty years, so for all those millennials in the room I am OLD, ok? Haha, just joking a bit there.

So today I’m going to talk to you all about the thing we’re all here to talk about: how to work better, be better, and do better for ourselves and each other.

Let’s start with the “what.” What exactly are we trying to do? When we’re sitting down in a room with all our amazing colleagues thinking about next month, next week, next year, what is that big goal, that big idea, that thing that gets everyone really excited?

Next, of course, is the “how.” How are we going to get there? How can we leverage all our respective talents to get this boulder up the hill?

Which begs the question, “who?” Who are you? Who would you like to be? Who is that person you trust most, and what if that person was you?

The “where” is clear: it’s right here. It’s in this room. And it’s in every room you’re in after today.

Finally, and honestly, I’ll tell you, when I got this, this changed everything. It’s knowing your “why.” Your why can be so many things: You want to help others. You want to help yourself. You want to help the world. Maybe you even want to change the world. The “why” is the gas in your tank, the seed you plant, your north star, your beacon. And you have to know it better than you know anything else.

I think I’m running out of time here but I just want to leave you with this: When I was starting my career, I was a lowly assistant. I did everything: I got the coffee, I answered the phone, I took the minutes, I cleaned the toilets. All of that was fundamental to my work today as a Senior Vice President. Sometimes I’ll even go in the bathrooms at the office and just smell the blue toilet water to remember how I started in this industry.

And I am just like every. Single. One. Of you.

Thank you all so much, feel free to add me on LinkedIn, catch me outside after this session or any of the other sessions, and have a great conference!

Biden Alternatives Pros & Cons

Kamala

• Pro: “President” is already in her title

• Con: Not universally beloved

Gavin

• Pro: Tall

• Con: Previously married to Kimberly Guilfoyle (seriously, did everyone know this?!)

Pete

• Pro: Answers every question perfectly

• Con: Too gay for the straights, not gay enough for the gays

Gretchen

• Pro: Very powerful red lipstick

• Con: Leather jacket

Michelle

• Pro: Would be perfect

• Con: Doesn’t want to do it

The Good News

1. Ice cream still tastes sweet

2. Grass still feels good on your feet

3. Music is still fun to dance to

4. Water is still fun to swim in

5. It’s summer

6. It’s Friday

7. Eighteen weeks is a long time

Summer Loving

Melanie’s dark brown hair cascaded through the wind as she turned and locked eyes with Roberto. The intensity of the crashing ocean waves behind her were nothing compared to her pulsating heart as he stepped closer. How could it be? The mayor’s only son had come back from war, bruised and battered, yet somehow knew to find her in the dunes. Had he been thinking of her as often as she of him? While she was painting landscapes by the water and he was fighting enemies in the trenches, was their budding love gently pulling them back together?

As he approached, she knew not what to say. He was even more beautiful than she remembered. As his eyes drew closer, she recognized his knowing glances. He held out his hands, gently caressed her hips, and whispered in her ear.

“Listen, I’m just not looking for anything serious right now. That cool with you?”

For it was not cool with Melanie, but it was summertime after all. So under the boardwalk they went.

Packing List

1. Sense of adventure

2. Sense of urgency

3. Sense of humor

4. Sense of taste

5. Sense of home

Ingredients of a Good Vacation

• 7-10 days

• 65-85°F

• Boarding Group 1

• Seats 1A & 1B

• 5 stars

• 12 doughnuts

• 100 proof

• 1 pool

• 0 cares

• Chanel No. 5

Bye Week #2

xoxo

Bye Week

xoxo