Happy New Year

If you’re reading this, this better be the most work you’re doing all day.

Crisis Creation & Management

Thank you for considering DVN Crisis PR LLC, where we turn your normal issue into a crisis.

Our specialization is in Crisis Branding and Communications, with an emphasis in Verbiage Creation and Fear Maximization.

We understand you’re currently reporting on a significant winter storm, complete with both snow and wind. While you may have referred to such an event in the past as a “snow storm” or “blizzard,” our team strongly recommends you consider:

Bomb Cyclone

Such a term combines two of humans’ greatest fears, both bombs and cyclones, and leaves little room for interpretation or nuance, which is key in generating public crises.

Our saturated media landscape is more competitive than ever. DVN Crises PR LLC will ensure your incident rises to the top. Help us help you freak out.

2022 Final Exam

Please read all questions carefully. There is only one correct answer for each. As a reminder, this exam is cumulative, and will therefore be worth 60% of your overall grade. Time limit is 2 hours but who really spends that much time on anything these days?

Section 1: Multiple Choice

How many years into the pandemic are we?

• 2.5

• 3

• 2.75

• It’s all a hoax

Is the pandemic over?

• Yes

• No

What is “the Gay 50?”

• The pounds of muscle you build after coming out

• The square mileage of San Francisco

• The number of men you meet before meeting a Nice Guy

• The age at which a gay man is deemed “old” (i.e., 30 years of age)

In what context is it ok to cancel plans?

• You are more important than the other person

• You really don’t want to do it

• You suspect the other person doesn’t want to do it either

• Family emergency

Section 2: Short Answer (250 words)

1. Your flight leaves the airport at 9:15am on December 23. Both local and national news channels have urged travelers to arrive at least 2 hours ahead of time for domestic flights. You arrive at 8:23am, but don’t make it to your gate until 8:50am, at which time the attendant regrets to inform you that you have missed your flight. You can see the plane. How do you get on the plane?

2. There is a person who just won’t stop doing something. Is it their responsibility to stop, or your opportunity to practice mindfulness?

Section 3: Long Answer (500 words)

There are many problems in the world. What is the biggest one, and your proposed solution?

Office/Neighborhood/Friends-of-Friends Holiday Party Conversation Starters

• Aren’t you so relieved about Georgia?

• Did you hear about Brittney Griner?

• Aren’t the holidays crazy?

• What do you think about the new coffee situation at the office/new traffic light downtown/new boyfriend of our mutual friend?

• How did you two meet?

• How have you not met someone?

• What exactly are interest rates?

• Who do you hate here?

• Does anyone hate me here?

• How did so-and-so get promoted/buy that house/become friends with everybody?

• Why is it called white elephant?

• Do you know where the restroom is? [Say thank you and proceed to leave.]

Confirmation Email

You’re all set!

Thank you for working so diligently these past many days. This email confirms that you are competent, well-liked, and worthy of copious amounts of time off!

If you have any additional requests, please reply to this email directly and we will be happy to take care of it right away, no questions asked.

We value you greatly and hope that others recognize the undeniable light that radiates from the core of your very being.

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Sale

This Friday only, you’ll earn $10 cash back on every good deed you perform!*

*Participating households/workplaces/transportation centers only. Does not include holding the door for the elderly or disabled. Does not include putting pennies in the penny dish at checkout. Does not include putting coins of any kind in the tip jar at checkout. Does not include saying sorry for running into someone. Does not include saying sorry when said apology is overdue. Does not include helping with the dishes. Does not include basic kindness to flight attendants/servers/drivers/cashiers. Does not include overtipping (unless tip exceeds 30%). Does not include half smiling at strangers. Does not include half waving at strangers. Offer expires 12pm ET Friday, November 25 or until funds are exhausted ($20 available).

Holiday Letter

November 18, 2022

To Our Many Dear, Dear Friends,

It was only when I found myself sitting in the sunroom of our Connecticut country home that I realized we had so many friends who celebrate so many holidays, why not get out in front of it all and send a pre-Thanksgiving card?! From early decision at Harvard to marrying Frederick mere days after graduation, you know I’ve always been a planner.

This year was challenging because all three of our beautiful children have finally flown the coop. Bradly is enjoying an exciting life in the ‘Big Apple’ as a Securities & Private Equity Exchanges Analyst at Marshall & Henry (he did always take after his dad), while Sarah is finding her footing as a burgeoning actress in Los Angeles, and Katie started her first year at Morningwood College (Yale’s oldest residential college). Thank god they are all either a helicopter or short jet ride away!

Our beloved Marigold (Mary, as you all knew her) passed away after 17 wonderful years with her. We are still waiting to see if the genetic testing will allow us to have an exact replica of her made. It’s new terrain for us (I never thought we’d be ‘those people’), but here we are!

I also have seen great growth in my PR consultancy. So far we have launched Kim Kardashian’s new Skims swimwear, Dom Perignon’s collaboration with Lady Gaga, and a whole line of sustainable fur coats that only use fur from rescue animals. When you love it, it doesn’t feel like work!

Frederick continues to languish at his job leading the corporate law division at GS, but I keep telling him that if he just changed his attitude things would be a lot better. He is gone way too many nights for so-called “work meetings.” Thankfully the doorman at our pied-à-terre in the city spares me the details.

Wishing you all the joys of the holiday season. We will be toasting you from the Maldives!

Best,

Sheryl

My Christmas List

1. Democratic supermajorities

2. An extra 20 minutes in the morning

3. Tax and tip included

4. On time departures

5. Efficient checkout processes

6. Minimal car traffic

7. Non-existent foot traffic

8. Thick coffee cup sleeves

9. Discounts

10. You

Sample Ballot

Indicate your vote by filling in the bubble next to your desired candidate. If you do not completely fill in the bubble, or overfill the bubble, your entire ballot will be void and your trip to this elementary school gymnasium to fulfill your obligation as a participant in American democracy will be for nothing.

Governor / What Even Is a Lieutenant Governor

O Person You Already Knew You Wanted to Vote For

O Crazy Person from TV

O Beth Twigsnap (Green Party)

O Alex Hornman (Libertarian)

Attorney General

O Democracy/Election Believer

O Democracy/Election Denier

Sherriff (Who Knew?)

O Good Cop

O Bad Cop

District 13 City Council Advisory Board Representative Spokesperson (Vote for 3)

O Allan Bar (Independent)

O Veronica Mayweather (Independent)

O Robert Hempstead (Independent/Strong Families Party)

O Write In: __________________

REFERENDUM

Should the current policy which prohibits the enforcement of previous statutes protecting the rights of citizens to refuse the ban on personal tax withholdings be amended to declare such rights irrevocable unless voted upon by a 2/3 majority?

O Yes

O No

Girls’ Weekend

If you’re reading this, I’m drinking wine.

Falling in Love

At the end of the group fitness class it said on the big screen, “FALL IN LOVE WITH TAKING CARE OF YOURSELF.”

There are many activities I would describe as self-care, none of which involve sweating in a room full of strangers at 7:00am.

Self-care is time spent alone with impeccable wifi, scrumptious snacks, unwatched shows, fully charged batteries, temperature control, and a stack of books and magazines you’ll get to later.

To fall in love with taking care of oneself is actually a precarious path. Fall hard enough, and you just might need an intervention. An intervention so dire that you find it critical to enroll in a group fitness class.

Timetables

Tomorrow is the best time to do anything.

Tuesday is always better than Monday.

A doctor’s appointment counts as an entire day.

EOD means anytime before 11:59pm.

The end of the year is May/June, not November/December.

A book may be finished within 3 days or 3 years, never in between.

If it takes you 30 minutes to get there, it’ll take you 45 minutes to get there.

If it takes you 30 minutes to get ready, it’ll take you 45 minutes to get ready.

Emails are not permitted December 23-January 2.

Time is a construct but so are houses.

QVC Ladies

For every gaudy shirt, bangle earring, giant hairbrush, or shitty blender, there is a fabulous woman with three layers of foundation to sell it.

I turn on QVC for assurance that even amidst all the mess, some people can get it together. As I get lulled into their streams of endlessly positive banter, I start to nod in silent agreement. “That floral top probably does flatter every body shape.” “Maybe an off-the-shoulder fleece mumu is the perfect thing heading into the holidays.”

I don’t know what they get paid, but it should definitely be more. If I could do any job as well as the women and gay men on QVC, perhaps my low-to-mid level professional anxiety would be replaced by a quiet knowing that I do, in fact, have it all under control.

I know they all arrive home and likely lament parts of their workdays like all of us. But under the lights, in front of the cameras, they remind me of the power of belief. This next item really is special.

An Email That Finds Me Well

Hi Dan,

This looks great. No edits.

Also, I cancelled our meeting on Monday; from our call today you clearly have everything under control.

I looped in Alex on Wednesday about your promotion and we’re good to go. I’ll draft the staff announcement that you’ll be our new Important Senior Person, and if you could just send me any edits by next Friday, that’d be great. You’ve had so many accomplishments it can be hard for me to keep them all straight!

Finally, thank you for the talk we had in the office on Tuesday. There’s not many people with whom I feel comfortable opening up like that. You have this remarkable ability to be extremely competent at your job yet still approachable yet still highly respected. You are perhaps the best person with whom I have ever had the pleasure of interacting on both a professional and personal level. This place would crumble without you. We are so grateful.

Have a great weekend,

Jamie

Letter of Recommendation

To Whom it May Concern (Which I Can’t Imagine is Many),

The person on whose behalf I write today is one whom I enjoyed only a brief and tangential relationship. It seems apparent, however, that upon discovering your undoubtedly competitive program, said person concluded that I was most equipped to speak to their capabilities. It is certainly an honor, although one more akin to community service than receiving an award.

Throughout my time with this person, I can assure you that not once did I develop the impression that we were developing a bond that would procure enough content for me to compose an entire letter as I find myself completing today. But I come from a place of yes. It is certainly not my place to gatekeep opportunities from others, especially for a program such as yours which I am sure is, again, exceptionally competitive.

The truth is, there is no reason you shouldn’t accept this person. While I barely know them, I do like them. They are decent, smart, and capable. And if they weren’t, I certainly wouldn’t be telling you here.

As Sincerely As I Can Be,

Dan Van Note

A Few Notes

September is always more daunting in the abstract than the reality.

My friend is on a long hiking trip right now and it’s helpful to remember that beyond screens and grocery stores there are trees and convenience stores.

I am settling into my job and even spoke a few times in meetings without butterflies, so that feels like progress.

I wore my sandals outside for what felt like the last time of the year yesterday.

Going out on a Thursday night generally means B-list service but that doesn’t mean much if you have A-list company.

Fall Swing

Post-Labor Day, post-Covid, post-Queen Elizabeth II. It feels like we’re entering a new era of “afters” in which it’s hard to encapsulate exactly what has changed and how it’s changed us.

In the choreography of the year, autumn is always the restart. New fashions, new schools, new jobs, new people. But now it feels more a miraculous continuation, an insistence on performing normalcy that is at once comforting and curious. Did the last two years happen? Is there any use in recalling?

I’ve done thirty of these dances so far, and just now feel like I’m finding my groove.

Here’s hoping that all the “afters” are even better than the “befores.”

Serena

To watch someone perform at their self-defined pinnacle is a gift.

I have been so moved to see her play the game to which she gave so much and from which she built her life.

The theatrics, the drama, the anticipation of it all are simply the icing on the thick cake of thousands of hours of silent labor, uninsured toil, and quiet belief.

To bear witness to improbable greatness, sparkles and all, is a reminder that all of us have the potential to ascend as high as our will, whether that be under the beaming lights of the public or simply in the soft glow of our own self-image.

Thank you, Serena, for showing up and showing out. In your boldness, I see my own potential to shine.

Periodical

This time last year I was sitting at my computer thinking, “What am I going to write about this week?”

A weekly column in a big newspaper sounds like a dream job but it’s really not as good as this because with this I can just stop writing whenever I want.

Brief Agenda

Intro (5 min)

• I thought central air conditioning would be amazing but it is better than I could have ever imagined.

• Cable is worth it.

My New Real Job (15 min)

• Did you guys know how much the government takes out in taxes?

  • Has everyone always known about this?

  • Has this gone up since my last real job?

  • Is it possible for us to mitigate while still maintaining progressive politics?

Living Near a Trader Joe’s (10 min)

• Is it cheap or is it expensive?

• Is it classy or is it trashy?

• Do people loathe talking about it/is it tired?

  • Similar to discussing weather/number of steps you’ve got in so far?

• Any product recommendations?

Closing Thoughts/Items (5 min)

• Does summer really end after Labor Day or does it end whenever your last August vacation/trip is over?

• Why does it continue to be so hot after summer has ended?

• Sign mutual agreement to not send any emails the Tuesday after Labor Day.