Internal Boss

     If you’ve taken care of everything, great. If you haven’t, also great. It’s not time sensitive at this point. But it should be done. Tomorrow?

These Days

     Isn’t it crazy the things we can get used to? I’m thinking about the precious moments of sensory deprivation in the shower, the comforting sounds of birds chirping amidst the sirens, and all the chaos in the world juxtaposed with all the nothing of the inside.

     I am discovering slowly that feeling guilty for the privileges I have doesn’t actually help anyone, and that gratitude is not a practice of being selfish but a practice of being whole. This theory helps me a lot in the times when I feel like I have nothing left to give (read: attention, money, care, personal hygiene). Maybe if I take responsibility for my own peace, it can ripple out, somehow?

     Then again, maybe that’s just what I'm telling myself. I’ve been telling myself a lot these days.

Musings

     I don’t know why, but I’m so bothered by people using the phrase “during this time.” It feels so dismissive yet vaguely polite, ignorant of the truth that there has never been a “time” like this in any of our lives. “Unprecedented” irritates me, too as it feels like it’s constantly being used as an excuse for incompetence.

     I have also found odd solace in the gradual fading away of “we’re all in this together,” as so many reckon with the reality that social inequalities are proving deadly in an undeniably visible way. We are all human beings on Earth together, but even agreeing on that reality feels illusive with so many leaders with their heads in the clouds.

     My therapist thinks my feelings of rage come from a deeper sense of helplessness, which makes me angrier because I am not helpless. I think I am angry because other people are not doing their jobs. It’s like this helpless feeling. Oh.

Consistency

They say it's important to maintain a routine right now but like honestly who is even doing that?

Time Right Now

Minutes feel like hours and days feel like minutes and time is not real but how long is this again?

PSA

Everything is cancelled and I need you to watch Tiger King.

100 Words

I like where I am.

Creative projects have nothing to do with free time.

It is a travesty that MTV’s documentary series True Life: I’m a Staten Island Girl is not available on streaming services.

Exercise is a good thing.

Our bodies are our forever homes.

We are all both a threat and a cure to each other.

Presence is subjective.

We are human beings on the same planet, but with vastly different resources.

I do not have a boyfriend.

I have decided that a daily bagel is now a thing.

If you are reading this, I love you so.

This Whole Thing

     Doesn’t it feel like the Titanic is going down and the string quartet is playing upbeat music so there’s no panic? And all the people are just told to put their lifebelts on?

     I’m not saying it’s that bad I’m just saying that’s what it feels like. Do we have enough wine?

Uncertainty

It's ok.

This Whole Virus Thing

Wash you hands, don't wring them.

Anticipation

     Doesn’t it feel like we’re on the cusp of a lot of things? Between viruses and elections and a new season of Drag Race, it’s all kind of a lot right now.

Tattoos

     Tattoos are difficult for me because first of all they cost money, and second of all they are a decision that I can not take back unless I spend even more money.

Skipping

     I know I skipped publishing an essay last week. It was one of those weeks where it just didn’t happen.

     Have you every decided to do something but then it came time and you decided, actually no? Or maybe you decided you didn’t want to do something but then you got there and you were like, actually yes?

     Decisions made in the now about the future are not as impactful as decisions made in the now about the now.

I Know

Calling these "essays" is generous. But I am all about generosity.

Cardboard

Cardboard can be recycled, which is kind of remarkable because it's paper that already has been. It's kind of like everything. Newness is always possible, out of the same old stuff.

Announcement

May this serve as notification that everything is pretty much the same with me.

North Star

     The biggest difference between right and wrong is that right feels like one thing and wrong feels like another.

Merry Happy

To all.

Remounting

     If you were doing a good job for a long time, and then you falter, that’s okay. Getting back on the horse is more important than falling off. And there’s nothing like a new year to make you consider the stable.

Resolve

re·solve

/rəˈzälv/

verb

1. settle or find a solution to (a problem, dispute, or contentious matter).2. decide firmly on a course of action.

How satisfying, right?